Day 285: Helplessness

What is the worst emotion a human being can feel?

Helplessness.  While my family imploded with mental illness, I watched in helplessness.  Sure, I encouraged, I suggested, I prayed.  I did all the physical things possible.  But at the end of the day, the work to become healthy comes down to the individual with the illness.  I can’t or couldn’t take any of it away.  I remember like it was yesterday, crying for a couple of family members and myself.  I sat on the chase lounge and bawled, those gulping, can’t catch your breath sobs that come from the core of existence.  Excruciating.

Day 284: Friends

Describe a way a friend supported you when you needed it.

People tend to disappear when mental illness enters a family.  I understand.  Behaviors that are out of the norm make everyone uncomfortable.  When we had our family blow up in this area, a couple of people stepped up for me.  I have been blessed with three friends that have listened and loved and not judged.  Okay, maybe a little judgment on how to make fix said problems, but they never doubted my parenting, even if they would have done things differently.  They have stood by me.  My journey with all the struggles was made easier with them by my side.

Day 283: Favorite Album

What is your favorite CD or album?

I am in-between favorites at the moment.  I haven’t gone out looking for new music recently.  I have so many albums on my playlists that I don’t get bored.  But, my most recent album was The Beatles, Greatest Hits.  I listened to this a ton while waiting for my trip to Britain.  Of course, I love Enter the Haggis and Maddie and Tae’s albums as well. Madelle has me listening to Alec Benjamin.  Such a variety of music!!!

Day 282: Ultimate Sandwich

Describe your ultimate sandwich.

My ultimate to buy sandwich that I can get in my town is the Nuke at the Staggering Ox.  I believe it has ham, turkey, roast beef, cheese, lettuce, and sprouts.  I order the parmesan bread and camel spit sauce which is dill based.  Best sandwich ever.  However, I also like warm sandwiches with melted cheese.  My daughter makes the best grilled cheese sandwich.  I don’t know her secret, but it is to die for.  I make a good turkey, swish, cream cheese bagel.  I love sandwiches.

Day 281: Proud

Write about a moment when you felt proud of yourself.

I have two moments for this month.  First, I accomplished the first novel in the challenge I am doing this year.  I wrote a 40,000 word plus novel in two months and published it within about seven days afterwards.  Is it perfect?  No.  I don’t think any book is perfect.  Nothing is perfect.  But, I had a mission and I accomplished it.  I am very proud of that.  The other moment is when I realized I sold twenty books at the festival.  That is my highest count so far.  I feel like I am making progress in this writing endeavor.

Day 280: Upcoming Dates

What date do you have circled on your calendar?  That is, what upcoming date or event are you looking forward to?

    I don’t have them circled, but I have a lot of dates I am looking forward to.  This weekend we are getting together with family on both sides. I am so excited.  Next week, my nephew will be in town for about four days. Yay!!! I look forward to school starting.  I have a trip in October which will be work but I love to travel. I always look forward Tuesday night, game night, Wednesday night writing and Bible Study, Sunday Mass, and every other Monday to count money at the church.  Soon, I will be looking forward to Monday Night Football, a Capital and Dillon football game or two. Really, I look forward to waking up every morning and greeting the dawn. Life is good!!!

Day 279: Dancing

Do you prefer to dance with no one watching, with a group of friends, or with one special partner?

All of the above, of course.  I don’t dance enough.  I really wish that I would dance everyday.  I am not a good dancer, but moving to music is such an uplifting activity.  I am not sure why I don’t dance everyday.  I could blame it on the pain, but I didn’t dance enough before I developed the RA.  If and when my schedule and health ever free me up, I need to look into dancing at least once a week.

Day 278: Weird Job

Write about the weirdest job you ever had.

I don’t know that I would call it the weirdest, but junior year in high school, I cleaned Helen’s Tap room.  I do believe it was the grossest job I had.  I went every morning at five.  I was so relieved when I landed the printing job at United Bank and could quit the bar.  Uck!!!

Of course, some people might thinking writing is a weird job.  I sit all day making stuff up.  To top it off, I make stuff up in other worlds with strange creatures and characters with magical powers.  Yep, I guess that can be considered weird as well.  People might also call it weird in that I do all of the work and so far I don't get much pay.  What can I say?  I love the work or really the play.

Day 276: Book Sales

Yesterday, I worked on my book inventory and money earned at the Kootenai Highland Games up in Libby, Montana.  For the entire time up there, I sold 25 books.  I will admit that nine of those sales were to family and friends, but I am taking the win.  At the games, I sold nineteen, two more then at the Renaissance Festival in Billings.  Outstanding.  Thank you everyone for all the support.

One vendor asked where I was off to next.  I was a little taken aback by the question.  But what a great question.  I don't have anything planned for the rest of the summer.  I do think I will schedule a couple Christmas sales in Helena and maybe Bozeman, Missoula, and/or Great Falls.  I am enjoying getting out and about and want to continue.  I don't literally make money at this point because I am paying for gas, hotel, and booth costs, but I am out and maybe, fingers crossed, earning a couple of fans.  Besides, I am having fun chatting with people.  I am also thinking of hitting bigger festivals in the next couple of years: Spokane, Seattle, and Denver to start with, but this will be after Madelle graduates.

Now I am busy catching up and keeping up.  The work never ends, and I love that!!!

Day 277: Personality Trait

What is a personality trait you admire in other people?

Humor.  I love happy, funny people.  I am happy, but I am serious.  I have been accused of being rather boring.  I don’t bore myself.  In fact, I love my own company.  However, when out and about with other people, I love the fun they bring to the dynamics of the group.

Day 275: Exhaustion

     Not very often, if ever, have I ever just sat down with blogger and written a post.  I usually write the post on my laptop, edit the post on my regular computer, and finally upload the post on blogger.  Today, I am breaking the process.  I am exhausted.
     This past weekend, I worked the Kootenai Highland games at my booth, selling my books.  I am too tired to really put any thoughts together.  So, I will leave the post with this.  I had a lovely time talking to customers, a classmate, passing strangers, and a couple of cousins.  I might write more later, but I am finished for the night.

Day 274: Mentors

Are you more like your mother or your father?  Or are you more like someone else?

I am a combination of all sorts of mentors.  Through my life, I have worked at taking the best examples of the best people in my life and emulate those qualities.  I am a great reader like my father. I am creative in ways like my mom. I love to tell stories like most of my Nixon family.  I work at volunteering like my aunts and Grandma Nixon. I try to be a good Christian like all my faith filled mentors. I have military mentors from around the United States.  I have mentors of kindness throughout the world. When they say it takes a village to raise a child, I think the saying should go even further. It takes the world to be a mentor to an adult.

Day 273: Compliments

What is the best compliment you have ever received?

I struggle with hearing compliments given to me.  I guess the best compliments have been when people tell me I am a good Christian.  One woman said I had a beautiful smile. In fact, she followed me across the parking lot to thank me.  It was the first smile she had seen all day. That meant the world to me for I was and am called to be kind to all I come across.  A smile does just that.

Day 272: History Museums

Would you rather spend the day at an art museum, science museum, or history museum?

I love art museums.  However, I love history museums even more.  In my travels, I have been to more history museums then I can count let alone remember.  My favorite would have to be The Tower of London. I still get goosebumps thinking I was there with all that history.  Amazing!!! Oh, and Hampton Court where Elizabeth I walked the floors and Catherine of Aragon prayed for her marriage. The joy of seeing such places!!!  The Shirley and Berkley Plantations where our American heroes treed. Oh, nothing beats history.

Yesterday, I spent the day with history.  I walked through the old school in Kalispell, Montana built in 1894.  I suspect my grandmother attended school there, but I am not sure. I loved the tower classrooms.  They would have been my favorite as a kid. What am I saying? They were my favorite yesterday. I also enjoyed the exhibits of the logging from the past to present and about the ghost town, Demersville, Montana.  Now, I need to find that cemetery some day. I might have to write a historical romance about there as well.

Best of all was the tour I took of the Conrad Mansion.  I believe the last time I was in the house was the spring of 1983 on a school field trip.  I loved the house then, I love it even more now. This is my favorite of the houses I have visited.  Okay, writing that, I do cringe. I also loved the mansions in Virginia I have seen, but this is definitely the best of Montana.  I could go on all day.

Day 271: Comic Strip

    Describe your favorite comic strip or cartoon.

    I have loved Archie when I was a kid, Garfield as I got older and of course Snoopy.  But my all time favorite has to be Calvin and Hobbes.  I loved the imagination and personality of Calvin.  I wanted a child like Calvin.  Well, until I became pregnant and realized the ramifications. 

Day 270: Favorite Band

Who was your favorite band or singer when you were young?

Just one?  I had so many.  My dad and I went through a Sylvia stage.  We loved to listen to her and her phenomenal range.  Our favorite song, Matador.  Unfortunately, I can't get it on Spotify, but I do listen to Nobody and Drifter.  I also loved Janet Jackson when I was younger.  In high school, I loved Cory Hart, Chicago, and REO Speedwagon.  Oh, I shouldn't forget Michael W. Smith.  In reality, I loved music, all sorts of music. I still do.

Day 269: My Name

Does your name have a meaning?  If so, what is it?  If not, make up your own meaning for it.

Hum, I just looked up the name Lisa, a variation of Elizabeth.  In English it means God is bountiful.  In German, it means devoted to God.  I love both definitions.  As for my middle name, Madelle, a sight says it has its root in Hebrew and means "woman from Magdala."  I think this is cool as well.

Day 268: The Next Thing

Waking up this morning, I approached the day with trepidation.  With all the storms going through the valley, my body ached all night.  My hip cramped throughout the dark hours before dawn.  The last thing I wanted to do was go to Mass.  But I was called to do just that.  I remembered our priest was out of town, and we would have a guest priest.  Another reason the desire to stay home persisted.  I didn't know at the time, I was doing the next thing.

Though on silent, Jerry saw he had an incoming call while he was reading along with the Bible readings for the day at Mass.  His best friend called.  He walked out of the sanctuary to call him back.  We knew the news was bad.  As Father finished the gospel reading, Jerry returned and nodded.  A Blackhorse Brother left for the Fiddler's Green.  I prayed for him and his family, both civilian and military.

I have been thinking about holiness the last couple of months.  I was asked to give a talk about the topic.  My first instinct was that I couldn't.  I am not holy.  Knee jerk reaction, right there.  We are all called to holiness.  For heavens sake, my blog is called A Journey to Holiness.  I don't talk much about holiness in the blog.  I did at the beginning when I started it in 2010.  But as I have grown older, my idea of holiness has changed.

Our guest priest made a statement that caught my attention.  "God calls us to do the next thing."  Holiness.  We get so wrapped up in thinking we need to do these huge acts of a grandiose displays of kindness or charity.  Nope, just the next thing: take out the garbage, wash the dishes, mow the lawn, take a nap.  Yes, we are called to rest.  That is what the seventh day was created for people.  I sat in the pew thinking I really should take a notebook to Mass. I so needed to remember what Father Tom said for my talk.  But God gave me an example of the next thing.

Once we got home, Jerry called his best friend again.  Really, this friend of his is a brother.  The two of them were in Iraq together.  They came home and stood by each other's side during the first couple of years of rough PTSD.  Life evened out, but together they still stand.  They stand with other soldiers from their unit and our state.  They listened to the call to do the next thing.

After changing, Jerry went to the VA Hospital to join the others.  For the last couple of weeks, Jerry has visited his gunner during his last days.  He, along with other Blackhorse Brothers, were called to do the next thing.  They stood vigil over their fallen comrade and escorted their brother, Shawn Wigert.  Rest in Peace!

Fidler's Green

Halfway down the trail to Hell in a shady meadow green,

are the Souls of all dead troopers camped near a good old-fashion canteen,
and this eternal resting place is known as Fiddlers' Green.
 
Marching past, straight through to Hell, the Infantry are seen,
accompanied by the Engineers, Artillery and Marine,
for none but the shades of Cavalrymen dismount at Fiddlers' Green.
 
Though some go curving down the trail to seek a warmer scene,
no trooper ever gets to Hell ere he's emptied his canteen
and so rides back to drink again with friends at Fiddlers' Green.
 
And so when man and horse go down beneath a saber keen,
or in a roaring charge fierce melee you stop a bullet clean,
and the hostiles come to get your scalp,
just empty your canteen and put your pistol to your head
and go to Fiddlers' Green.

Day 267: Best Advice

What is the best piece of advice you have ever been given?

Be kind.  I received this advice from a monsignor and a priest when I was dealing with some difficult personalities.  People say rude things.  People do rude things.  Instead of returning the rudeness, I work at being kind.  I like the advice because I have no idea what the person might be going through at the time of their rudeness.  Also, if I return the rudeness, nothing good comes of the situation.  Instead, I try to remain quiet, not always succeeding.  Also, the things that go through my head are rarely kind.  I do get so annoyed.  But ultimately, I think if we all approached situations with  more kindness, life would be a lot better.

Day 266: Beautiful Sound

Describe the most beautiful sound you have ever heard.

I love listening to my family talking and laughing together.  As a child, I loved sitting on the couch in the living room on the other side of the half wall at my uncle and aunt’s house.  The grownups would sit around the dining room table doing just that, talking, laughing, telling stories.  I always felt so safe and happy.  Now as an adult, sure I love being the one in the middle of the conversations at my house and family members’ houses.  However, there are times, I will be busy or go to bed and listen from a different room.  I find the same comfort listening to my kids talking or them talking with their dad.  Nothing beats those sound waves traveling through the house, stunning.

Day 265: Not Fitting

In what way do you not fit in with the family you grew up with?

My faith has caused me not to fit in with my family.  Okay, that statement makes it sound way worse then it is.  In my immediate family, none of them go to church.  Other more distant family members do go to church, but they are all protestant.  I became Catholic a couple years after I married my Catholic husband.  Now, for the majority of my family, this hasn’t been an issue.  I had to clarify a couple things for my dad and uncle.  One family member gets grumpy when I want to go to church when I am visiting them, but I invite them to go to church together.  Really, it isn’t an issue, just a difference in belief.

Day 264: Hair Issues

Earlier this week, I talked about my worst haircut due to the military.  The story reminded me of another time my hair caused me issues.  While my husband served in Iraq for a year, I let my long hair grow.  For a year and a half, I didn’t cut my hair.  The half a year was for the time he spent in Texas and Louisiana training for Iraq.  Needless to say, my hair was very long.  The bun I put it up for work in the uniform was huge.  As a desk worker, the bun was not an issue.  However, the spring after he came back, I went to the range.  This was another five months of hair growth.

On went the Kevlar helmet for the range.  Now, I love shooting.  What I hate is shooting for a test.  I get so nervous.  Inevitably, I struggle qualifying.  This range day was even worse.  The bun kept forcing the helmet forward, so I couldn’t see the targets.  I was constantly pushing the helmet back into place.  I failed the first round due to the hair.  Well, and the anxiety.  I readjusted the bun to be at the nap of my neck, as far down as possible, but alas, it was still too big.  The helmet still pushed forward.  Failure number two.  I was pissed.

On the middle of the range, I was sputtering and saying a few choice words.  The helmet came off after the range was cleared.  I yelled out.  “I am taking me hair out, and it is going to hang loose.  If that offends someone, give me something to cut it off with to make it regulation.”  Yep, I would have had my second choppy haircut.  I was determined to qualify.

“There will be no cutting hair on my range today,” the range control sergeant yelled back.  Dang, I can see his face, but I can’t remember his name.  I believe it was one of the guys from the warehouse that I would run into at work.  Nice guy.  Boy, did he laugh at me.  I took out the bun and put it in a long braid so the wind wouldn’t fling it in my face.  I grabbed more ammo and preceded to qualify the next round.

Moral of the story, hair can cause difficulties in the military.

Day 263: More Flowers

My day is packed full of appointments, writing, cleaning, and game night.  I haven't written any blog posts for the week.  I feel very short in the time department today, so I am going to share photos of flowers, again.  I uploaded the said pictures to the computer and realized the quality isn't great.  I would go take another batch, but as I said, time is lacking today.  Besides, in the last couple of weeks, I think Montana decided to vacation in Seattle.  The weather is raining, again!

Here are most of my lilies.  These are Jerry's favorite flower.  I love them too.

When my dad passed away, a dear friend gave me my first metal fish for my garden.  I intended to put them in a memorial garden with a dry creek bed I planned to make.  The plan is still in the works.  The big problem now is that I love walking by the fish (I have two more) in the sidewalk garden.  I think I will buy more fish once the other garden is ready for them.  These will remain here, swimming in the flowers.

Day 262: Military Hair Cut

Recall a memorable hair cut or hairstyle you have had, given, or witnessed.

Oh, this is easy!!!  Hands down my most memorable hair cut happened the summer of 1990 in New Jersey.  Yes, you read right, New Jersey.  Man, was I ever young.  I was twenty-one years old and at BASIC training for the Army.  Every day for a couple of weeks, we wore our kevlar helmet out in the heat.  Now these bad boys are heavy and hot.  My hair at the time was long.  I pulled it back into a bun with a crap ton of bobby pins.  That kevlar dug the pins into my scalp.  Headaches plagued me.  Finally, we spent time at the Commissary.  I went to get my hair cut.  They couldn’t have done worse if they had used a blunt butcher knife.  My poor hair was uneven and ugly.  I called my husband and cried.

“I look like a boy.”  I felt foolish crying about something so trivial, but it was horrible.  And I must confess, I was also very homesick.

I was horrified, but I no longer had headaches.  Mission accomplished.  When I came home, I had to cut it even shorter for the choppiness of the hair to be evened up.  Worst hairstyle ever.

Day 261 Chapters of My Life

Break up your life (up to this point) into three chapters, and give each chapter a title.

Three chapters only?  Hum, that is kind of crazy.  I guess the biggest factor for me has been my service in the military.  My chapters would be Pre Military, Military, Retirement.  Of course, kids are huge as well, but I haven’t arrived yet to the Empty Nest chapter.  That will just have to work.

I have thought about writing memoires.  I actually have one with about 60,000 written about the summer of 2016.  I wrote all of words in November of that year.  I haven't opened the word document since.  I will have to read it one day and decide what to do with the piece.

I have many interesting fun things in my life.  Growing up in a small town and all the antics of trailing around with my dad or cousins.  Teenage years can be interesting, but I am not sure enough so to write a book.  My military years, the time Jerry deployed to a war zone, living with mental illness in the house.  Yes, there are quite a few things I could write about my life.  Maybe someday.  Until then, I will continue to write fiction.

Day 260: A Truth

What do you know is true?

Pain depletes a person’s energy.  For three straight days, my rheumatoid arthritis flared leaving me in quite a bit of pain.  I limped when I walked.  My sleep was disturbed more then usual.  For two days, I ignored the pain as much as possible, working on the publishing and gardening.  Day three, I did succeeded at a walk, physical therapy, and shopping at the grocery store.  However, I also took a two hour nap.  Thank goodness the storm came in and the pain left.

The rest of the week, I have been feeling like a slug.  I slither around from task to task with no oomph.  My writing has been about non existent.  Granted, I love the lazy days of summer, and I am truly being partially lazy, but I am really exhausted as well.  I have managed to get out in the yard for a bit, but come inside and crash.  The week ends today.  I have failed at writing my 5,000 words and editing all six scenes.  Part of me thinks I should panic.  They other part of me just says to buck up.  Do what I can today and then double everything I don't get done for next week.  Yep, energy or not, I have work to do.

Day 259: Parent Quality

Write about the most important quality any mother should have.

This topic has been a struggle.  Mother's need so many qualities to help their children become good adults.  We need to teach them empathy, family love, discipline, kindness, and the list goes on and on.  We need to be selfless.  We need to provide for them  All of these qualities are important and a bunch more.  Oh, I believe mother's need to help instill faith in their children.  Again, a long list.

However, with that said, I believe another important quality any PARENT should have is the love of the child’s other parent.  I know things happen to marriages.  But I have to say, I am very thankful my parents loved each other.  I never worried about having to choose or being away from one or the other.  My kids have also been thankful for their parents who have stayed together and truly love one another.  My daughter often turns to me and thanks me for our not being divorced. This gives her security.  Kids need this in an unsecure world.

Day 258: Water

It has been said that it is the little things that make life worth living.  Describe one (or several) of those little things.

People probably have their own definitions of what is little verses what is big.  Something I have thought little in the past has become huge in the last couple of years. Water.  More specifically, the water that is supposed to go through my sprinkler system and the garden hoses.  For years, I have taken for granted such a little thing that everyone else seems to enjoy in their neighborhoods.  For the last four years or so, we didn’t get our outside water until well into May.  The last two years, we haven’t had it during most of June.  As I write this post, I have no outside water.  Thank goodness it hasn’t been a dry year.  I am getting a little pissy about the situation.  Thus, I am very thankful for the little storm that has passed through the valley.

I was just outside and ran into the neighborhood informant.  We aren't getting the water situation fixed for another three weeks.  Thank goodness I didn't have the energy and time to get a vegetable garden in this year.  Oh, and don't get me started about the plants that I ordered that could potentially die.  At the moment, they are looking okay, minus the raspberries, but in three weeks?  I really want to rant and rave more, but I will end here.

Day 257: Catering

The other day I wrote about something new in my life.  Well, another thing, even bigger, is happening in my husband’s life.  He is starting a catering business, Poor Richard’s BBQ.  I am very excited for him.  He had dreamed of this most, if not all, of his life. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.

Three weeks ago, he competed with his barbecue in Miles City.  Our son went with him to help.  The weekend ended being a disappointment in the competition, but he learned a lot.  He also spent time with the son, which is always a good thing.

The next weekend, he competed in Absorkee.  This time, Madelle and I traveled down as well.  Madelle helped him with the majority of the work.  I must confess, I goofed around with my sister.  During the weekend, Madelle and Jerry meshed as an amazing team.  I came in at the end to help a little, but they were the rock stars. They placed 10th in their ribs and 12th in their brisket, out of 29 teams.  They have work to do, but they will get there.

Last weekend, Jerry and Madelle worked a rehearsal dinner for a couple getting married.  I learned a lot with this event.  I learned these two make a great team, and I am not all that needed.  Sure, I ran to the store if something was used up or forgotten.  I also helped clean and pack up because they were getting tired.  But the two of them again rocked it.  I am very proud of them.

The one negative to come of the three weekend stint is my house.  They had to bring everything in the house until the next event.  Disaster.  By week three, I was getting a bit grumpy.  I can’t live in that kind of chaos for that long.  After the Fourth, we need to work on reorganizing and cleaning the garage.  We need a spot that is specifically set up with shelves to store all the gear.  Once this is done, the house should do much better.

As a couple, I am very proud of us.  My dream is to write books.  Jerry’s dream is to build a restaurant, starting with catering first.  We are both well on our way.  Even better, we are supporting each other.  He reads my books and helps me with the computer and other tasks.  I help him with tasting the food, running errands, and a little bit of cleaning and packing.  Thirty-one years ago, I wouldn’t have seen us here, but we are.  It is wonderful.