Thankful

Sitting here this morning, there is nothing to see outside.  The sun hasn't even begun to grace us with its presence.  I think of what I should write about.  Writing sounds boring and nothing else comes to mind except the season of Thanksgiving.  I am not one to go on about what I am thankful for, but I can't really stop thinking about the topic.  So, here is my list.

I am thankful Madelle is healthier.  Everyday I wake up wondering how this day will be.  I worry a lot about her.  I sit through a lot of teenage angst and emotional gunk that makes no sense to me.  But at the end of the day, she is working so hard to stay positive.  She is in school.  I don't know that she will get her driver's permit let alone license in the next two years or what she will be doing after graduation, but she is doing better.  And for that I am very thankful.

I am thankful for my husband.  He is still putting up with me after thirty plus years.  We have had a lot of fun this fall playing fantasy football, going on dates, and planning a big anniversary celebration where we go on another honeymoon.  This guy is great.  He listens to my complaints about certain situations and never complains.  He puts up with my health issues.  I just don't know what I would do without him.  Oh, and he pitch hits for me when I want to get away for writing stuff and he reads my novels.  What a guy!!!

My health.  Though I am not thankful for the diseases, I am thankful that my doctor may have fixed the burning hip and leg issue at night.  I also think with my rehab, the two things have helped my hip immensely.  Yesterday, I did dishes and cooked my three items and didn't hurt until the last batch of dishes I attempted.  This is way better the a month ago and I am so very excited.

This is my list.  Yes, I have a million other things and people to be thankful for in my life.  I love my life.  

Thanksgiving Artist Date

Tiny snowflakes swirl around in the wind outside the window as the instrumental music of a movie soundtrack plays in the background.  The warmth of the house surrounds the inhabitants as they go about their day, lounging during their time off from school.  The smell of freshly baked cheesecake for tomorrow’s Thanksgiving feast wafts through the rooms.  Cold air breezes in as the door opens for the little beagle that barks at the door to be let inside the home.  The mood in the house tips from contented mom to discontented teenage daughter.  Many people who claim to be older and wiser spew advice to enjoy the young while they live at home.  Memories forget the negative, so wisdom is jaded.  Still, the attitude will pass on to the daughter someday when she is the mother of a teenage daughter.  And the snow will continue to fall.

My artist date for the week was to do some baking for the feast.  I am amazed that it has been over a year since I last baked a pie.  This last year has been crazy.  I didn't bake a pie for Thanksgiving because we went to a friend's for dinner.  At Christmas, I made sticky toffee pudding.  Poor Jerry didn't get a pie for his birthday because he was in Miles City and I was in Hawaii.  I could have made it before or after, but we were so busy doing barbecue and book selling.  Yep, that is how crazy our year has been.  No pie.

As I worked on the crust, I realized how rusty I am.  Sure, I have been rolling out biscuits weekly for breakfast, but that is a nice fluffy dough.  I am going to have to make more little pies I guess so I can get my skill back.  Jerry will be happy about that idea.

Two Thieves

For the past couple of weeks, I have been reading a book entitled "When To Walk Away" by Gary Thomas.  The book is about finding freedom from toxic people.  I have enjoyed the book immensely.  The author is a pastor and uses scripture to help understand ways to cope or ways to, yep, walk away.

From the beginning, I was amazed at realizing Jesus walked away from toxic people.  He said his piece, and if they didn't want to believe, he let them go.  He didn't stick around and argue, plead, or try to change their mind.  Fascinating.  So often, we want to "save" toxic people.  The thing is that they can't be saved by anyone other than themselves and/or God.  And Jesus doesn't go down the rabbit hole of trying to fix them.  I find this so freeing.

Yesterday, I was listening to the reading of the Gospel.  Jesus was on the cross with the two criminals also being crucified.  One of the criminals mocked Jesus.  The other one spoke up for Jesus, realizing who Jesus was.  He also admitted his guilt.  He asked Jesus to remember him.  Jesus told the humbled criminal that he will be in paradise after he dies.  Jesus doesn't talk to the toxic criminal.  He doesn't beg him to repent.  Jesus knows the guy is too far gone and will only continue to be toxic.

I love when what I am studying shows up around me, like in the Mass.  God is so good to me.  Now, I see that there is nothing to be done with toxic people except to pray for them.  Be kind in social situations.  If they repent and work on change, be there to encourage, but always remember, they have to do the work and want it for themselves.

Sustainability

Everyday I read or watch something that another author discusses about our craft.  The other day the topic of sustainability came up in a talk.  I have been thinking about the concept ever since.  What can I sustain?  Have I bitten off a little too much this past year?

I keep a chart of the total words I have written per year, per month for the last six years.  Yes, I love numbers and spreadsheets.  I have wanted consistency, but every year my totals tank in March and pick back up in October.  Yep, the garden months kill me.  For whatever reason, this year I have been consistent.  Every month, I have written 20,000 words or more with the exception of July where I wrote 16,000 and August caught back up with 26,000.  I have had a stellar year.

I have been able to sustain this pace for ten months, but for whatever reason, I find myself slipping.  I am 5,000 words behind so far this month.  I still have Thanksgiving to distract me which I look at my 10,000 words and wonder if I will get even more behind.  I am feeling tired and drained.  I don't know that I can keep up at this pace, but I have to.  I really want to win this challenge I am doing.  I have until the end of April.  I need another 110,000 to win.  My new theme, just keep writing.  Dare to be bad.  I have a whole list.  I can't slow down yet.  I need to just keep looking towards May.  No, I need to just look at today.  Today, I will write 2,000 words even if they suck!!!

Medical Update

My medical procedure went well on Friday, though I will admit it hurt like hell.  My new doctor decided instead of putting steroids into my bad hip he would put them in the bursa on both hips.  This entailed him pressing hard on my hips.  On the right side, I wanted to go through the roof it hurt so bad.  After he found the spot that hurt the most, the nurse put a freezing agent on the area.  He put the needle in down to the bone.  Ouch.  Both sides hurt for completely different reasons.  I told him I disliked him more then the dentist.  He laughed.  I really wasn't being joking.

I felt silly having Jerry drive me.  The last procedure that Toni took me too I was perfectly fine.  Well, I am glad I asked him to come with me.  I felt horrible afterwards.  I could have driven, but it wouldn't have been safe.  I wanted to be sick and my legs were numb.  I leaned on him the entire way to the pickup.  I crashed for the rest of the day.  On Saturday, I started exercising to start working on my messed up muscles.  Probably not the best idea.  Wow, I hurt like crazy that night at Mass.

Since then, I continue to feel less pain.  My glute on the right side has stopped hurting.  Oh, I can lay down in my bed all night without my entire right side burning.  Yay!!!  I still haven't slept a full night.  My body is programmed to wake up at least once.  Hopefully it reprograms soon.  The hip pain is becoming less.  I am driving without pain.  Thank goodness.  I am walking almost pain free.  I am very happy with everything at this point.  I still have the sharp pain.  Strangely enough, it is moving to a different spot.  I hope that just moves away soon.

In the next few weeks, I will be getting a second MRI to see if there is damage from the last year of all the issues.  I also have a doctor's appointment with an orthopedic PA next month.  I am going to keep the appointment just to double check everything.  With my issues, having a relationship with this type of doctor will be good for the future.

I do worry.  Last time, the relief only lasted a month.  I hope that since we hit the other spot it will work for a couple of years.  The days ahead will tell.  For the time being, I am relieved and enjoying the decline in hurting when I move.  I am surrendering the rest to God as much as possible.  Thank you all for the prayers!!!

Movie Review

Over the weekend, I watched the new Netflix original "The King."  This movie was about Henry V of England, a Lancastrian of the red rose.  Excellent movie!  I haven't studied anything about Henry V since my college days.  All I remember from back then is my impression that he was a good king, but of course he wasn't as scandalous as Henry VIII.

The movie spans from just before he becomes king through a war with France and his bringing Princess Catherine home to England to marry.  Not to give anything away, but I was impressed with his desire for Peace and to bring England together.  Of course, he had a learning curve.  But learn he did.  My emotions went from being doubtful of him, to cheering his success, to morning his stupidity that I myself fell for during the movie.  At the end, I was left with hope that he would rule well.  Yes, I loved the film.

Since watching the movie, I am hoping to learn more about him.  I was surprised to see Brad Pitt was the producer.  I was impressed.  Beware, there are some violent scenes, especially the beheading.

Nervous But Hopeful

I have been in pain for a long time.  The problem with my hip started in August of 2018!  I have been in extreme pain for a good month or two.  In fact, there have been days I have been very tempted to go buy a cane.  Walking for half a block will set my hip to about nine on the scale.  In the last couple of weeks, even driving into town hurts.  I have been handing Jerry my pickup keys which is unheard of in our relationship.  I love to drive.  I can't sleep in my bed because my leg feels like it is burning up.  Thus, my sleep is not great at all either.  I have been very frustrated and concerned.  Walking in Vegas?  Excruciating!

Yesterday, I finally had my appointment with a new doctor.  He reexamined me and talked all sorts of things that were very overwhelming but good.  The end result is a different thought about my diagnosis.  When he prodded my right hip, I told him it hurt.  This area called the bursa or something has hurt for years.  It isn't the area though when I walk that hurts.  He thinks it is still the cause.  Today, yes, just a day later, not weeks later, I have a second appointment.  He is going to give me a shot on both sides.  He believes I will feel a difference in a couple of days.  Oh, I pray he is right.  I might be able to sleep again and walk.

Of course, I will have to do some rehab.  I luckily went to physical therapy last spring that didn't help, but I will do all those exercises.  I am sure they will work once everything clears up.  I am so filled with  hope this morning that I feel I could explode.  Of course, added to the hope is some fear.  He told me the shots will hurt, bad.  No pain killers before hand.  Yep, I am nervous.  But hopefully next week, I will be doing better.

Artist Date: Crochet Project

My week exploded with appointments left and right.  I meant to put this post up on the blog yesterday, but life got away from me.  At any rate, I wanted to share with all of you the artist date I have been doing continuously over the last couple of months.  I started crocheting after about a five year break.  I am excited to be working with yarn again while I watch television.  I learned how to crochet my senior year in high school.  The first blanket I made is in my closet.  I made if for my first dorm room for my freshman year in college, a million years ago.  I have no clue how many things I have made since that time.

Anyway, here are a couple of the blocks in various stages of completion.  I hope to have the blanket done sometime this winter.  I will post pictures when it is finished.

Tourist vs. Pilgrim

I love to travel.  The other day, I was a little restless.  I wanted to go out of town. The funny part is that I had just come home the week prior after a week in the big city of Las Vegas for a conference.  I jumped in my pickup and drove down the highway and up the pass.  I wanted to look down on the valley near the top of the mountain.  I only stayed for a couple of minutes, but I came down off the mountain settled.

As a traveler, I do enjoy being a tourist.  I love seeing new things: cathedrals, churches, museums, battlefields, cultural items, you name it, I love to see it.  However, I am not necessarily one to run, run, run, to see everything all in one trip.  I like to saver the things I visit.  Thus, I think I would like to start approaching my travels more as a combination of tourist and pilgrim. But what is the difference?

I want to take my time in a place.  When I went to the York Minster, I was very disappointed that I had to make a choice between a tour of the magnificent church or the Stations of the Cross.  Instead, I would have chosen to do the stations and then go to the next tour.  Unfortunately, we were on a tight schedule.  I was able to pray, but I missed the bigger prayer of Jesus’ journey to the Cross.

During my time in Vegas, I wanted to make the trip more of a pilgrimage then just a business trip.  There is a church close to where I was staying.  I wanted to attend Mass.  Unfortunately, my hip was in a great amount of pain.  I wasn’t comfortable walking to the church by myself.  Maybe the next time I go.

Matthew Kelly talks about the difference between being a tourist and a pilgrim.  I thought it interesting that a tourist expects to have a perfect trip.  They want everything to go exactly as planned in customer service and getting everything crossed off their list.  I don’t like that type of attitude.  I like to find the grace in even the things that don’t go as planned.  To stop and pray.  To be where God wants me, not where I want to be.

The trip I took to Maui is a prime example.  Sure, I wanted to do a lot more beach time and wandering, but my daughter just didn't have that in her for this trip.  Instead of ranting and raving, I relaxed.  I did more writing.  I spent time outside on my deck enjoying the warm air.  I walked along the beach by myself.  I took fun photos.  I communed with God in the glory of such a beautiful place.  Yes, I like being a pilgrim.

New Book

ORCS KILLED HER HUSBAND AND DAUGHTER

Lost in despair, Kirzantra holds on to the idea of revenge to kill not only her father but also her pain.

With her unbound power and orc rage pulsing through her veins, she plans to leave the Valley of Chaos to fulfill her plans and keep her people safe from herself.

In Kirzantra's desperate quest into the darkest depths of evil will she lose herself to the orc rage or find herself in the Deathsong Prophecy?

The mystical power of the amber flame continues to haunt Kirzantra in the second book in the Deathsong Chronicles.

Hijacking Part 2

Explosion!

“Well, it looks like you white women living in small, predominately white communities are firmly entrenched in your beliefs that people of color should refrain from protesting - or save it for a time when and place that you don’t find inconvenient or threatening.  No hearts and minds can be changed here, so I’ll leave this sad conversation with a quote, ‘Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge... is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world.  It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding.’”

Yep, this was actually written.  This person accuses, the women, not the men who agreed with all of us, just the women, of being bigoted and racist.  Then, he says “you white women”.  Sexist?  I think so.  None of us said that we thought “people of color” should refrain from protesting.  We just don’t agree with it being at a football game.  And again, what about the white men who also commented on the post.  This person ignored them.  He must really hate women.

As for the kneeling being inconvenient or threatening?  No.  I simply disagreed with the venue.  Did I watch football that year?  Nope.  I didn’t want to be a part of the political debate of hate.  I also just lost my dad.  Between not being able to talk to him about the games and all the negative controversy, I found other things to do with my time.  In reality for me, it was a perfect time for all this to take place.  It was very convenient.  I was in mourning.

Now for the quote.  The words were written by Bill Bullard (which the person didn't sited on facebook), a former Dean of Faculty at a high school.  He was to give a graduation talk, but he ended up sick.  I read the speech.  Not bad.  And I don’t disagree.  Opinion is based on our perceptions of the world, many of which are an accumulation of our experiences.  My opinion is very military driven with a love of my county and my state and my faith.  And yes, I do come from a small town.  I know my opinion can be flawed, but so can other people’s opinion.  In fact, the person who hijacked the post was spewing his opinion as much as the rest of us.  He has no understanding of our patriotism.  He has no understanding of the military in regards to what my husband and I have been through.  The problem with this person is he doesn’t see his words as opinion and only points at others.

In Bill’s talk, he references George Eliot in saying the highest form of knowledge is empathy.  The “hijacker” claimed us white women from small town USA aren’t empathetic.  Hum, that is curious.  Yes, my heart breaks for those who have seen their loved ones brutalized.  However, when I see a salute in a picture, my mind automatically goes to my experiences in the military.  My heart breaks for spouses who have to bury their loved ones who have died in the line of duty, police officer and soldier alike.  My heart sympathizes with the soldiers who returned from war only to be slapped in the face by people kneeling during the National Anthem.  Yes, I do have empathy.  My empathy is just different from the hijacker.

The irony of all of this is that the hijacker grew up in small town America and is a white man filled with a lot of hateful rhetoric who now lives in the big city.  And yes, I am a white woman from a small town.  I am biased.  I do have opinions.  Really, he isn't much different.

Hijacking Part 1

Every so often, I find I am unable to help myself with people's rhetoric on social media.  I step in even when I know the conversation is going to explode.  Yesterday, there was an explosion.  My baby sister posted a funny meme that holds truth to some people, to others, not so much, but still just funny.  The picture was of some football players kneeling in protest while a uniformed man stood in the background saluting.  The caption, "and this my friends is how you separate the men from the spoiled little boys."

A person commented, "This post demonstrates your lack of understanding about why athletes take a knee."  This was just too much for me.  Don't be messing with my sister, for one.  Two, really?  "your lack of understanding"?  Playing word games with that type of negativity drives me nuts.  Three, don't be messing with the National Anthem.  Four, don't be messing with my soldiers.  I couldn't help myself.  Five, did I mention this was my baby sister?  She understands plenty.  In fact, she held her own against him.  Her point was of being proud to be an American.

What did I respond, before she held her own?  Here it is.

"This post demonstrates your love of country and for your sister (that would be me), brother-in-law (that would be my husband), cousin-in-law, grandfather, and all of the family and friends I could continue to list off who have sacrificed with their service in the military.  Thank you, Sister!!!  I love my country.  I love football.  I don't believe taking a knee at a football game is the proper venue.  However, I gave 20 years of my life for their "right" to demonstrate.  As a wife, I have given 30+ years.  We have a right for our demonstration as well!!!"

The person asked me a question, "Would you prefer that people protesting the excessive use of police brutality against minorities (especially against African American) in a quieter, more polite fashion?"

My response?  "I would prefer for people to quit high jacking posts, causing more hate and discontent."  I mean really...Facebook is full of offensive things.  Keep scrolling.  Belittling people isn't going to make a post better.  And negativity sure isn't going to change anyone's minds.

Another person talked about the players who knelt were using a venue that was safe where no riots would take place like they do at marches.  Wow, now there is a valid point that was done with respect, not by talking down to anyone.  Tasteful.

Now, I agree police brutality is a bad thing.  I just don't agree that kneeling at an event, that should bring us together, is the right place for the demonstration.  That doesn't make me racist nor a bigot.  I am also not those two things because I disagree with someone.  My belief is that during the National Anthem, we stand together as one.  We don't have to agree, but a little respect would go a long way.

Granted, calling the football players spoiled little boys is negative, but it is funny for many people.  The irony kills me.  These huge men who take a beating during the game are far from little.  They train hard.  Spoiled?  Well, they do make a crap ton of money.  Hum, they don't get shot at or attacked by criminals.  Their spouses know they will come home after the game.  When my husband was deployed, yep, I thought them spoiled and their spouses.  We made less money with my husband on active duty, and I worried nonstop about whether he would come home after being gone for  17 months, not just a road trip to a different stadium.

But I digress.  I will talk about the explosion on Friday.  This is only the tip of the iceberg.

Be Gentle - Part 2

The other area I need to be more gentle with myself is within my career goals.  I will never be the caliber of the writers I attended the conference with last week.  I have to remember my limits and be okay with that.  I hate limits!!!  But I am not in my twenties and thirties.  I am not healthy.  I have a crap load of other responsibilities to perform with limited amount of energy resources.  I miss the days of being hard charging, taking control of a situation, and conquering all the tasks set in front of me.  Yes, I conquer what I do in small, slow spurts, but not like I used to when I wasn't in pain.

Some of the experts say that you have to write a book every month or at least every other month.  You have to do all this marketing that would take a good twenty hours a week or more.  You also have to manage your sales, format your book, do your book covers, and the list goes on and on.  You can look at licensing your book rights to make t-shirts, water bottles, and that list goes on forever.  How do I be gentle in this type of world that I want to be successful in?

I redefine what success is to me.  (I have to do this at least once a year and twice if I spend time with other writers.)  What do I want out of my writing career?  Sure, I want the success of a JK Rowling or George R.R. Martin.  However, neither of them seem to be writing much anymore.  I don’t think I want that.  I want to write until the day I leave this earth if physically possible.  So, maybe I don’t want that success.

I think I want a quiet success.  I would love to supplement my income enough to give me money to travel.  I believe twenty to thirty thousand would be a nice number per year to give me a big trip somewhere and a few smaller trips.  I enjoy my house and pickup.  I don’t need bigger and better.  I am content with my life.  But what if I can’t get even that?

My ultimate goal is to leave a body of work for my descendents.  I want my grandchildren and great grandchildren to be able to read my words, to see a glimpse into who I am.  At some point, I would like to write my memoires so they can see even more of who I am.  Yes, this is my goal.  Soon, I will have one series finished for them.  I am working on my second series.  I have one stand alone historical fiction.  My body of work is growing.  I am leaving a legacy.  I am excited by that.  And hey, I even have some amazing fans.  Someday, I may have more fans.  I would love that too.  Until then, I am doing fantastic.  I mean really, how many people do you know who have written more then one book?  Yes, I am a success.

Be Gentle

Be Gentle With Yourself, Saint Francis de Sales

Wow, do I ever struggle with this concept, and this past week, I haven’t been gentle with myself.  I was in Las Vegas for a Master Business Class for writers.  I attended five days of class, including long lunches with other professional writers and experts in the field.  I constantly had to remind myself that I am not only a writer, but I am also a mom/chauffeur.  To top it off, I have a disease that forces me to rest.  I forgot that last part at the beginning of the week.

The second night, I went to the hospitality room to learn more and network.  Networking drained the introvert in me that was already struggling after two full days of classes and lunches.  Uff da.  The third night, I went to dinner with three other writers.  I didn’t want to say no to the anyone.  I was tired of eating alone at night.  So my plan to hide/rest in my room went out the window.  Opps.

By the fourth day, I could feel the introvert and the flare-up ready to explode.  I made it through the morning, lunch, and afternoon, but I was done.  I think another lady wanted to join me to watch the Pittsburgh game, but I couldn’t do it.  Instead, I went straight to my room, ordered room service, put on my pajama’s, and was in heaven.

Now, I am home for my second full day.  I am still exhausted.  I need to be gentle, but I want to get back to work.  But, that is a post for another day, Monday in fact.