Tuesday, March 13, 2018

A Long Week

           In my blog, I try to be positive.  I try to show the struggle of mental illness in our world.  I try not to be gloomy and depressing.  Hell, I try not to be depressed.  However, sometimes the depression hits me.  I work through it by reading books about the different situations, praying, asking for prayers, finding things to be thankful for, resting, and conquering my day.  Here is what I wrote last week.

Sitting here at my desk, I look out over my snow covered yard off to a section of the Scratchgravel Mountains.  My neighbors yard has patches of yellow grass showing where the snow is melting.  In a few days, I suspect sections of this north section of my yard will show as signs of spring as well.  The clouds in the sky are blowing to the east revealing a light blue sky.  Today will be a good day to walk in town.  Our roads here in the valley are still a little treacherous.

My mood has been faltering.  I felt the world tip last week due to an episode in my life.  I started reading a book about the situation.  Also, as I stated in my last blog, I am taking a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) class.  I am looking for knowledge, clues, helpful hints....  I am not learning much because I am pretty well read in the area of depression, PTSD, and other illnesses and relationship difficulties in my quest to conquer my situations.  I find myself becoming extremely sad and defeated.

My daughter is having a tough week.  I am not helping.  I check on her too often in her thoughts.  In reality, I leave her alone for hours on end.  When I do check on her, I try to make her smile which only annoys the crap out of her.  I am frustrated.  On one hand, I know she has to help herself and she is working on it.  I have no patience.  This morning she pointed out all my flaws.  I am too cheerful.  I check on her too much.  I made faces that make her feel bad.  There is no right answer.  I am a little tired.

One of the things they say over and over at the class is that caregivers need to take care of themselves.  Really?  How?  Sure, I go for walks.  I go on outings.  The problem is during times like this I can't turn off my brain with all the thoughts of how to fix my family.

After hearing all the stories last night at the class I am taking, my immediate family has a really good life.  Madelle rarely has the huge blow up episodes.  When she does, they are much shorter then they used to be.  She is no longer dealing with suicidal ideology.  She hasn't self harmed in nine months.  Life really is good.

The depression I felt has passed.  My self esteem is centered once again.  A couple of situations have stabilized for the moment.  Madelle's minor episode is over.  Mornings are still a bear, but the afternoons are filled with smiles, laughter, and interacting well as a family.  The sunny days are helping.  All the men at my husband's Bible Study group have lifted me up in prayer and I feel it.  I will continue to deal with the mental illness that swirls around my life.  I will be depressed by it at times.  But I will rise above.  I will find joy in life.

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