A Resounding Gong

                Saturday my husband’s journey to holiness became a bit emotional.  A family member called in crisis due to a pending death of a family friend.  Now as I have stated in the past, many in my family believe in God, but they never attend church, actively pray, or study (the three big components of helping faith grow in my opinion).  When the call came, I answered.  Because the person was my family, I was a bit confused by the request to speak to my husband.  The voice on the other end was blunt, to the point, and held no room for chitchat. 

                I listened to my husband talking relieved he had been asked for.  Most of my life I have felt responsible for my families faith.  I have attempted to be the perfect person to show them the way of Christ (falling short of course).  I have opened up dialogue to point the way.  At times I have felt success for a fleeting moment only to be disappointed.  Other times, fights have ensued.  A few years ago I gave up.  I went to the local Catholic book store and bought a Saint Monica medal.  Through prayer, she led her son, Augustine, to the church.  He became a doctor of theology.  Now, unless I am directly asked or can’t help myself, I keep my mouth shut.  I just pray.

                As I listened to the one side of the conversation, praying for both sides of the telephone connection, I realized I am a resounding gong to my family.  I still lead by my imperfect example.  There are some who don’t like me.  They rarely ask questions or even bring up the subject.  I am okay with this.  In the past, I would have been upset not to be able to help during this crisis.  I will admit; I would have been jealous.  Now I am just happy to see the Holy Spirit at work.  Really, that is the key.  It isn’t you or I who have to bring Christ to our loved ones; it is the Holy Spirit who has to do it.

                The crisis isn’t over.  We are all praying.  The Holy Spirit will have to get to work and she will be spectacular even if I don’t see an outcome.  Let go and let God.  I have heard these words over and over.  They are definitely hard to do.  I am not responsible for my extended family’s faith.  They are.  As for my children’s faith, I still take responsibility for them until they no longer live under my roof.  Sorry kids, no getting out of Mass when you are confirmed!!!

                Blessings to you all.

An Ordinary Life

                Over the past couple of months, I can’t even guess at how many times I have opened up a word document typing away at a thought.  The next thing I know the black words that pop out at me turn to a gray so light the letters begin to fade.  The dry spell of my faith study consumes my writing life as well.  Today I am determined to write a post even if my readers also see the dryness.  To top off my spiritual drama, my back went out causing me to be in bed for two weeks.  I am still struggling with the pain and being very careful not to reinjure it.  Due to the physical stress, the fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis wanted to show me they are still around.  I would be lying if I claimed I have remained in good spirits.  Depression and grumpiness have been a part of my days off and on, but I continue to plague these emotions with a positive attitude and enjoying life’s simple moments.

                Today I enjoyed a phone conversation with my mother-in-law and I expressed my frustration with this desert I am in the middle of.  “Why don’t you write about it?”  Well, I don’t want to bore my readers nor do I want to wallow in self pity.  Like she stated though, I am still walking on my journey.  So what am I doing to travel through?  I am praying, reading non-faith books, attending Mass when my pain isn’t so bad, watching television, cleaning and gardening when I am doing well, visiting my dad, hanging out with the kids and husband, and attempting writing.  Really, besides studying faith, I am doing all the things I usually do with added resting times.  In other words, I think I am being boring. 

Take yesterday for example, my daughter and I went to visit friends.  What a blessing they are!  The girls disappeared playing both in the house and outside.  One of the girls introduced me to her two new puppies Dorothy and Toto (stuffed animals).  Another girl and I discussed who her teacher will be in the fall.  I witnessed two others playing dentist with a spray bottle and everything.  My friend and I chatted while she fed her youngest.  After putting the little one down for a nap, we strolled through her yard looking at the greenhouse, garden, and chicken coup.  Best of all we chatted.  The conversation went all over from school, composting techniques, gardening tips, husbands, kids, family, all ordinary things.  I could claim that the amazing part of the afternoon is having the presence of the Holy Spirit with us.  However with this friend, I am blessed to have this feeling of grace present in our relationship all the time making it an ordinary event.

Yes, I have been living a dry ordinary existence.  I have loved almost every moment of it.  At Mass on Sunday, Father asked us if we felt holy enough.  Many heads, including my own, shook them no.  He claimed this is a wonderful thing because if we did feel holy enough, we wouldn’t remain humble.  Today I come to you not very holy living an ordinary life filled with contentment.  I challenge you to do the same.

Blessings to you all.

Mass Reflection

                The first weekend of the month in May is always First Communion Sunday.  I really love this day because there is nothing better than seeing all the precious children participating in Eucharist for the first time in their lives.  The problem with this service is the church is packed with a ton of family and friends for the kids; plus, the Mass runs extra long.  My kids don’t like going for these reasons.  I hate sitting in the back and feel guilty for taking seats in the front where the people supporting the celebrants should be able to sit.  Thus, this Sunday we decided to attend 8:00am Mass instead of 10:30am Mass.  Of course now I am sad because I didn’t see Lily, Molly, or Kyley receive Communion.  Hum, I can be such a conundrum.

                So, without being a part of the celebration, I sat at the earlier Mass tired from a late night of children and an unusually early wakeup in the morning.  My son almost fell asleep during the homily which I worried about for myself, but Father used his three point homily.  I love when he does this because I listen harder to remember the points.  The other good thing he does is repeat the points a couple of times to really drive home the message.  The gospel dealt with the vine and the branches, one of my favorites. 

                Point one talked about us being connected to Jesus like the branch is connected to the vines and to stay connected.  I love the imagery.  Father traveled to England and saw a vine over a thousand years old.  I can’t even imagine seeing something that old.  I will have to put this on my bucket list.  In the mean time, I will stay connected by continuing to attend church, praying, and reading.

                For the second point, Father talked about producing fruit.  I don’t think it is enough to just stay connected; we need to live our faith by being charitable in words, thoughts, and deeds.  This is the fruit that comes from being connected.  In fact, if our branch doesn’t produce, we will be cut from the vine.  We will no longer be connected.  Producing fruit is vital to stay connected.

                Finally, the point that touched me yesterday and still resonates with me is the third.  I have always thought that God will prune us where needed to keep us producing the rich fruit which he does, but there is more to it.  We must actively prune as well.  We must cut out the areas of our lives that begin to disconnect us from the vine.  I need to cut out my negative and judgmental thoughts of not only others but also about myself.  I need to clip off following those who don’t keep Christ at the center of their lives.  I don’t need to remove the people from my life, but I can’t participate in their destructive behavior either.  I believe I have done this, but I need to continue to watch for the areas in my life that don’t produce fruit.  Now, I can think of the vine and my ability to vigorously prune out the deadness.

                I so love when the Homily speaks to me.

                Blessings to you all.

Standing By The Sidelines

            The biggest responsibility I have with my journey to holiness other then my own faith life is the life of my children.  The last couple of weeks have been trying with last night and this morning overflowing with emotions.  The biggest drama encompasses my son, the middle child.

            Over the last two years, I have watched, listened, and advised as he treads the waters of dating.  He splashes, sinks, and learns as we all have through these teenage years.  Our guidance is to pray, be lovingly honest, be true to self, and always be a gentleman.  I really struggle with sitting on the sidelines as drama enters the picture with only listening and advising.  Last night, he talked about an argument that happened and my heart broke a little more for both parties. 

This morning a little of the emotions from the argument slipped onto facebook in a post I read from one of the sources.  I am bothered when these posts point fingers at others so publicly even when names aren’t mentioned.  Granted, here I write on a blog post pointing my own finger, so I am feeling a bit hypocritical.  In the days the Bible was written, people stoned others.  To me this is a cryptic verbal stoning.  Instead we are to take the person aside to speak to them of matters not shout it from the market place.  As a parent, what am I to do?  If it were bullying, character defamation, or another tremendous breach of behavior, I would become more involved, but it is minor.  I didn’t mention it to my son.  I continue to pray.

As he left the house this morning, I gave him my blessing.  “Also, remember you are loved.” 

He grinned.  “Remember you are loved too.”  My daughter and I just had a fight and he lovingly reminded me that I needed to remember as well.

Raising a daughter has been very challenging for me.  The emotions are so overwhelming.  I don’t do so well with them.  Last night, she came into our room with tears flowing down her cheeks.  “I think something is wrong with Kermit.”  I passed her over to her dad because I was busy editing a project.  As they left the room, I realized this could be big.  I jumped up and followed them.  Sure enough, poor Kermit the hamster was dead.  We have only had him for a month.  As expected, Madelle was devastated.  We found a biodegradable box for a coffin.  Kermit was laid to rest in the backyard with an Our Father said and some special words. 

This morning she was still sad as was I when I thought of him.  As I packed her lunch, I asked about her homework.  With the death of her pet, we all forgot about it the night before.  She started working on the math.  The details aren’t important.  The result is her not listening, me raising my voice, and her running to her room slamming the door.  I prayed.  She apologized.  We hugged.

As she gathered her gear to leave the pickup in the school parking lot, I reminded her of my love.  “Also, I prayed for you.”  She left with a heavy heart.  Again, I am standing by the sidelines watching her go through the waves of grief.

Blessings to you all.

May Day

                May Day (May 1^st) brings back fond memories of my childhood.  Each year, my friend and I walked across the street from my house to the side hill.  We picked wild flowers for my mom and his aunt.  Of course, we knocked on the door after placing them on the porch running around the house to not get caught.  I think Mom did catch me a time or two, so I gave her a kiss.  I loved the ritual and miss it. 

                Thinking back to those times, I believe the hillside began my love of flowers.  I picked what I discovered.  Once home, my parents told me the name of the flower.  My favorite then and now is the delicate shooting star.  Up on the mountain that borders our little city, these flowers bloom in all their glory.  Yesterday, I didn’t find any, but I did enjoy seeing the wild crocus and a couple other types of flowers.

                Here is a verse I found in the Bible that I would like to share.  “Let us go early to the vineyards, and see if the vines are in bloom, If the buds have opened, if the pomegranates have blossomed; There will I give you my love.”  Song of Songs 7:13.  God meets me in my gardens and in nature’s gardens.  No wonder I always feel so close to him there.  I included a pomegranate blossom, so very beautiful.

Happy May Day and Blessing to you all.

Ruth, My Guide

            My dry spell still plagues me in these beautiful days of spring.  I continue to spend my time walking, enjoying nature, and searching.  The other day I sat out on the patio my husband is building reading the Bible.  I began at the beginning of Psalms.  Excited, the fourth chapter spoke to me.  My pen began to write words on the paper until I realized they reflected so many of my previous posts.  I growled out a couple more sentences closing my notebook in irritation.

            Today as I drove my daughter to school, I wondered what I would do to entertain myself on this cold cloudy day.  Gardening in the chilly weather holds no appeal to me, so I thought of my painting, editing, and crocheting projects let alone cleaning house as options, but I wanted to write.  A Natalie Grant song came on the radio which reminded me of her other song.  Or what I thought was her other song. 

Once home I started looking for the music on iTunes, but hit a couple of dead ends.  Being of the instant access to information generation, I became a little impatient with my search.  I almost quit.  Luckily, I am also bullheaded and finally found what I wanted.  The song is actually sung by Nichole Nordeman and Amy Grant and is entitled “I’m With You (Ruth & Naomi).  I can’t remember the first time I heard the lyrics on the radio, but I really connected with the song. 

Twenty-two and a half years ago, my fiancé and I began planning our wedding.  When asked what readings we wanted, the love of my life asked for a reading from the book of Ruth.  He didn’t request much, leaving most of the arrangements up to me, so I gladly agreed to this reading.  Admittedly, I hesitated in my mind because the reading talked about me giving up my family and following his family.  Yet, metaphorically I didn’t mind if my following represented faith.  His family all attended church together and I wanted that in my family.

As I grew in my faith, I read the book of Ruth a couple of times and read a novel about Ruth and Naomi.  The novel really struck home.  Ruth’s family (in the novel), though rich and influential, didn’t have a faith life.  Her mother-in-law, Naomi, did.  When her husband, brother-in-law, and father-in-law died, times became hard.  Ruth relied on this faith to help them start a new life.  Though she could have easily left the faith and returned to her parents, Ruth worked hard with constant belief.  In the end, she found a home for the two of them.

My mother-in-law and I have also journeyed.  Some of our family members have left through choice or death and some have left our faith.  Literally we have not been homeless like Naomi and Ruth; yet, I can’t help see times in our life where we were homeless in relationship with family.  But, we keep moving forward.  I think of all the hard work Ruth struggled through to earn them a home.  She worked in the fields for their food.  I haven’t worked like her in my homelessness.  With relationship though, the journey must take place between all parties involved.  I am happy to say I am not homeless with my mother-in-law.  I am very blessed to have her in my life.  She always supports all that I do from my projects, writing, faith, and raising her grandbabies.  I wish I could say I have been as good of a daughter-in-law.  I will keep trying.  Ruth will be my guide.

I am curious.  Is there a person from the Bible you relate to and hold dear?  I would love to hear your story.  Blessings to you all.

Resting in the Desert

                A couple of weeks ago, my sister-in-law made a comment.  My memory is failing me, but I believe the comment had to do with being in a dry spot with her faith.  I related to her at the time and continue to be my own little desert.  My son, this last week, discussed with me how he feels he is stagnating in his faith.  I myself struggled the last month of Lent and my desire to grow has waned.  All of us can go through a wasteland while on the journey to holiness.  In fact, I believe it is safe to say that our desert travels will take place quite often.

                Disappointment in me hit during the middle of Lent.  I failed to keep my goals for my most favorite time of my faith year.  Yet, I didn’t chastise myself too much.  For a year, I had been working on a faith blog, studying, ministering, and praying.  I put in many hours working with my faith life.  My energy factor drained away.  Obviously I needed to rest.  I am still resting.  Part of me is anxious because I am not sure what to do with myself while I am in my dry stretch.  Sure, I still go to church, I still pray, and I still pick up a book to see if a spark is lit because I want more.  I also feel guilty when I am not working hard at my faith.  Yet, I have to be patient.  God has a plan for me.  This dry spell is preparing me for another wet spell.

                In the mean time, I keep myself open.  I delighted in attending Easter Vigil Mass with my three kids and wonderful husband.  I loved the message the priest shared with us to put all our sins in the tomb (of Jesus) and place the rock in front of the opening.  The Easter weekend was also spent with family, celebrating my father’s 70^th birthday, and fishing.  I have been taking walks during the beautiful spring weather chit chatting with my Lord.  My new side flower garden is taking shape and my Russian Almonds are looking better as I play in the dirt.  With not spending as much time studying, I finally tackled a redecorating project I have been putting off.  While I painted, I let my mind rest.  Yesterday’s message at church struck a chord about stepping closer to God when we doubt.  I have stepped closer while I am resting.  And today, a meadowlark sang to me as I cleaned house.  The little guy sat up in the electrical wires outside my sliding glass door, what a gift.

                So, during my dry spot, I still very much feel Jesus hanging out with me.  I struggle with patience and guilt, but I continue to remind myself it is okay to rest.  “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.”  Jesus spoke these words in Matthew 11:28.  God gave us a Sabbath so that we may rest.  Granted, my respite is taking longer than a day, but I know my spirit will be stirred again in the near future.

                Blessing to you all.