Courage

 

“Go forward bravely.  Fear nothing.  Trust in

God; all will be well.

                                             Saint Joan of Arc

“Go forward bravely.”  I have gone forward many times in my life.  I will admit that I haven’t always done the movement bravely.  When I was a little girl, I feared so much.  I was very timid.  I am sure it drove my dad nuts.  Always wanting to please him, I would stifle my tears and work at going forward.  Luckily, I spent half my summers with my older cousins and my aunt for four years.  They worked at making me tougher by pushing me and demonstrating moxie.  A different aunt also helped me become my own person.

Signing up for the military was tough.  I had to leave my new husband to attend BASIC training and my individual training, a little over four months of separation.  The statistics were against us.  Most couples divorce due to the stress, separation, and changes in the couple.  I put my trust in God and Jerry.  I put my trust in our belief of marriage.  I did worry from time to time, but all ended well.

While raising the kids, my biggest fear was them being on a boat without me.  My dad loved taking them fishing.  I cringed every time.  This was such a stupid fear.  Dad took me fishing all my life.  Not once did we get in a bad situation.  I trusted him with my life.  Yet, I always worried when he took the kids out.  I prayed.  I trusted God to take care of all of them.  I still worry.  Since we bought kayaks, they have gone out with friends.  I pray and pray.  I distract myself so I don’t worry.  All has gone well.

The past couple of years, I have feared death approaching in all sorts of directions.  I really feared Jerry, or I would die before he came back from deployment, and we would never see each other again.  Silly, I know.  I would pray and ask God to take the fear away.  He did until I started thinking too much.  I don’t so much fear the death part.  I know heaven is at the end of the journey.  My fear is separation from those I love.  We have lost so many in the last few years.  I miss them so much.  Frankly, I need a break from loss.

I try to move bravely forward after I pray, giving the situation to God.  Okay, maybe I move crazily forward.  My goal for retirement was to have my house paid off with no debt.  Last year, we bought a camper for Jerry.  The debt is minimal, and I have it ¾ of the way paid off.  With the camper, we needed a truck to pull it.  I don’t completely count this debt because vehicles are a must.  But now, I have convinced all of us that buying property and moving is a great idea.  We are going to have a mortgage again.  Uff da.  Is that bravery or stupidity?

Part of me worries a bit.  Will we sell our house at the right price?  Will we be able to pay the new place off soon?  I have a plan, but will life blow up my plan?  For the most part though, I am not afraid.  When I was forced to take a medical retirement early, I was concerned about my plan to pay off the house.  My plan was fifteen years, it took seventeen instead.  All ended well.

I have prayed about buying property for two years.  Everything could fall through tomorrow, and we don’t get the new place.  We may get the new place and not be able to sell our current place.  I have no idea how this is going to work out.  God knows.  He is in charge.  I trust him.  When I have doubts and concerns, I pray.  Then I step “bravely” forward.