MIA Status

 

As I washed dishes by hand tonight, the hot water felt divine on my achy hands.  I let my mind wander.  All sorts of ideas for a blog post filtered through my thoughts: quilting, Mom, my father-in-law, life in general, art class, masks, mental illness, and writing blocks.  With an excited step, I left the kitchen, crossed the dining room, and entered the writing room.  Of course, I checked my email and TEAMS to see if I had received a note from one of Madelle's teachers.  After I saw she finished that class with flying colors for the block, I stupidly looked at Facebook.  My desire to write depleted like a hot air balloon half a mile off the ground due to negativity.  When will I learn?  Yet, I am not one to turn from a mission.  Well, most of the time.  So, here I sit trying to collect some semblance of a thought or two.

For a month and a half, I have been MIA on my blog.  This entire year has been hit and miss with my postings.  I would love to say I have been busy writing great fiction.  Nope.  In fact, I was told my stories lacked depth and the reader could care less what happened to the characters of the three short stories I sent into the workshop I attended last month via the internet.  Wow, if that doesn't kill the desire to write!!! 

I shouldn't be surprised by the response.  One, I started the class with a political piece that goes against his beliefs in the world issues of today.  Jerry loved the story.  Oh, well, not the right audience.  Two, I didn't go deep.  I have lost my edge at the moment due to everything going on in my life.  Three, I pulled every one of the words for all the stories like pulling nails off my fingers.  It hurt like hell to write those stories.  I just wanted to do anything besides write.  No wonder they were crappy.  Where does this leave me with writing?  Well, I think I will still write non-fiction for the blog posts.  The fiction I will take slow until life levels out for me.  Jerry doesn't want me to quit.  I am not promising anything yet.

I will say that I have been a bit bored without the writing.  Even if I didn't write during the day, I thought about the stories all the time.  Now I have only my thoughts about the world bouncing around.  Not a great topic at the moment.  I am working at quilting and crocheting.  The house is a little cleaner than normal as well.  I am still working on de-cluttering.  With the beautiful fall, I am even getting out in the yard to do more clean up.  I am keeping pretty busy.

A life change is hanging over my head.  Once this takes place, I hope to have a consistent schedule that will enable me to at least write for the blog.  November 1st will be the start of a new focus for me.  I am kind of excited.  Actually, I have been working on the new focus, but I will be going at the new direction with more gusto.

Until November, I am not sure that I will be back on the blog.  I am giving myself time to be with family.  Last weekend, we picked up Clay and drove to a family wedding on the Richard side.  Tyson and Carissa, we wish you the very best.  This weekend, Jerry's brothers and mom will be coming to visit.  Who knows what will pop up after that!  Though I still feel un-tethered, I am thankful for each new day.  Life is meant for living.  And living is change.  Bring it on!  I am so ready to get this started.

A Dream and the RNC

 

So, I did this thing yesterday that caused me to have a dream.  In the dream, I was attending a political convention.  The person speaking was asking questions of the people.  This person turned to me and asked about the environment.  I talked about the harvesting of trees.  Northwestern Montana needed to be able to go back to logging.  The eyes of a man in the crowd brightened up, and he cheered.  The commentator turned to another person which made me sad.  I didn't get to talk my favorite topic of my soldiers or my retirement fund.  After the convention, I was asked to run for a position in the Montana government.

The thing I did to cause the dream was that I watched night 1 of the Republican National Convention.  I have never done this before.  My husband and daughter talk politics ALL the time.  She worked for Matt Rosendale earlier this summer.  We were hoping to attend some rallies for him and such before COVID hit.  We went to South Dakota where patriotism abounds with everything presidential.  I will do a post on that next week.  All of these things set me up for dreamland.

Now, the last thing we need in this country is another person being a talking head for the political machine.  We don't need more negativity on either side of the aisle.  We are all tired of the rudeness and negativity.  I have been called a small town Montana woman with the ugly connotation that I am stupid and know nothing.  Because of my beliefs, I have been pointed at as being selfish and ignorant.  Yep, I am a small town Montana woman and proud!  I can be a bonehead at times, and I certainly don't know everything.  I can be selfish and with certain topics I am ignorant.  However, I am also giving, knowledgeable, humble, and smart every now and then.  With all of that said, I wanted to point out some interesting things I saw and heard as I watched night 1.

The overall feel of the night was positive and hopeful.  The convention started with a prayer and almost everyone praised our country and asked God to continue to bless the U.S.A.  A democrat from Georgia spoke in favor of President Trump.  That blew me away.  He talked about free thinking, and he likes the President's track record so far.  The owner of Mountain Mud Espresso from Billings talked about the quick turn around for her small business money from the federal government.  Go Montana!!!  Hershel Walker talked of his 37 year friendship with the President and his family.  Finally, a gentleman who came here from Cuba and became a citizen spoke.  His story was very moving and positive, but he worries.  He brought me to tears.

I didn't at all become uncomfortable about the tone of the night.  Sure, they talked about their interpretation of what they consider as Mr. Biden's bad track record in politics.  A few people talked about the basement which isn't praise, but I am not at all sure what they were talking about.  Of course, they talked about wanting to change and fix things.  Their way of going about it is different than the Democrats.  Yet, this was talked about in passing more than anything.  They actually concentrated on President Trump's track record and how he wants to continue his work.

All in all, I enjoyed the speeches and learning new things.  I loved the patriotism and open talk of God.  Now, I do have biases towards the Republican Party.  I would never deny them.  Is it the best party?  No, but it is the best party for me.  Today, I am going to watch night 1 of the Democratic National Convention.  I really hope to be pleasantly surprised.  Will I switch parties?  I highly doubt it.  What I want is to be away from the media's, and frankly obnoxious people's, interpretation and negativity.  And yes, I cringe as I write that last sentence.  I can be obnoxious as well.

Un-tethered

 

The last couple of weeks I have felt un-tethered.  My ability to concentrate on one task is less than normal.  I have no focus on finishing a project.  I am lost in the sky with nothing holding me in place.  As I think about the feeling, I realized an un-tethered bird is free to soar where the wind will take him.  Right after Mom died, I felt free.  Well this is what un-tethered means.  I loved the freedom.  What is different now?  Why don’t I like it anymore?

I honestly don’t know.  Okay, maybe I should say that I honestly don’t want to admit that I am mourning the loss of my mother, my family of origin.  The Sunday calls home kept me grounded.  The responsibility of checking in with Mom and traveling to Libby in the summer gave me purpose.  Yes, I have purpose in all sorts of other ways, but this purpose has been with me for 52 years.  The purpose is gone.  I feel I am floating willy-nilly all over the place.  What do I do with this?

At the moment while writing this, I am sitting in a hotel in Missoula.  I came over to get away for a couple of days to write and read for my fantasy writing class.  The trip is a multiple layer trip in that I left my pickup at the dealership to fix the air-conditioning unit.  I also met up with a couple of cousins to hand over things we saved for them from Mom’s stuff.  My feeling of being un-tethered has to do with family as well, I think.
     Libby has been the center of family on both sides: Nixon and Hedahl.  When Dad died, I worried about not seeing the Nixon family as much.  I worked at staying connected with Aunt Shirley and Uncle Albert.  They are gone now.  Mom’s passing left me with no home base with
which to keep in the loop and visit from.  Being un-tethered isn’t just about Mom and the house, it is also about the extended family.

I need to learn to navigate in the extended family without the older generation.  On the Nixon side, I am now that older generation.  How did that happen?  My dad was great at staying connected.  Of course, most of his family lived in Libby,
so at the worst, he ran into them in town. But I know he visited all the time.  My mom wasn’t good at staying connected in person.  She didn’t like to travel.  People had to come to her.

Now, I live five hours from the majority of my Nixon cousins.  The majority of my Hedahl cousins are two to five hours away.  I need to go visiting.  I have to organize various trips in the summer that are now cousin trips instead of parent trips.  This will help me to feel grounded again.

Last night, being with Heidi and Holly meant the world to me.  We talked for about three hours and could have talked longer, but the hour grew late.  Yes, I keep up with some of the cousins on Facebook.  This isn’t enough.  I need to see them.  Hang out with them.  They all mean the world to me.  So, as I was sitting here this morning, I
will continue my plan of traveling to Libby at least once a year.  I need to continue to make the trip a
responsibility.  A good responsibility.  I also need to travel to the Missoula / Thompson Falls area.  When that becomes a common occurrence, I believe I will be less un-tethered.

Nervous Energy

Nervous energy pulses through me, leaving me scattered and animated.  Jumping out of my skin, climbing the walls are sayings that bounce around in my flighty brain.  I move from one unfinished task to the next.  The condition began earlier this week to crescendo yesterday afternoon.  I hoped today I would return to a calming presence, but alas, I still feel jittery.

Like most people, I have never been in charge of an estate.  My mother didn't have much, so luckily the process isn't half as complicated as it could get.  However, I have still been nervous about taking care of everything, especially the sell of the house.  As the original closing date grew closer, my anxiety increased.  Not hearing anything caused more stress.

Well, the process went a bit nuts yesterday.  Emails flew back and forth.  I waited.  I wondered if I needed to drive up to Libby.  I kept my schedule open, but I didn't hear yes or no.  Finally, the agent said everything would be done via electronic signature accept the signing of the deed.  A notary needed to witness that and the title company would email it to me.

Around two o'clock, the email arrived.  I printed everything glancing over it a bit.  I headed out to the fort to see the JAG office.  Within about an hour, I signed and initialed not only the deed but the buy, sell contract.  I dropped the package off at the UPS Store.  On Monday, the buyer will do their part.  The house is almost out of my care.  I am over the moon with excitement.  We have been so blessed with a buyer and no problems.  I couldn't have asked for it to go smoother.

With that said, I was bouncing around the house all day yesterday.  I tore into the bedroom closets.  I finally found all of the quilting items I accumulated years ago.  For about two years, I played at quilting.  In that time, I made one quilt top that I had planned to have professionally finished.  I never accomplished the task.  I also was close to finishing a baby quilt for my nephew who died at birth.  Finally, I had a material cut and block done from all the practice I did to learn.  I stopped quilting because I became pregnant and lost my sewing room and sewing time.  Geez, now I have a lot to accomplish between my mom and myself.

I think the sewing is feeding into the nervous energy, so I put the energy to work this morning.  I have eight finished blocks from twenty years ago.  I am not sure what I wanted to do with them, so I laid them out on the bed.  I need twelve more to make a lap quilt.  I have started with this as my first "big" project.  I have even turned on the sewing machine and finished a block that was partway done.  Her (the sewing machine) and I need to bond before I work with my mom's projects.  I have decided to name her Elna, Ellie for short.  We are hitting it off so far.  Hopefully by the end of August, I will have the face of the quilt done.  Until then, here is a picture of the blocks laid out over a lap quilt my mom did for my cousin.  I am including a picture of my block I did this morning with Elna.  Isn't she just cute?

What a Dipstick

Twenty-two years ago, my little family moved to Helena.  Everyone talked about Mt Helena and the wonderful trail system right in town.  I knew about the trails from an annual training a year prior.  I loved hiking the trails.  About sixteen years ago, I joined a group of ladies that mountain biked.  I am not a biker on mountains that steep, but I heard about the Scratchgravel trails.  I attempted the trailhead off of Norris.  I didn't care for it.  Years later, I tried finding the trailhead off of Head Lane.  I wasn't impressed because I saw nothing.

With the loss of our field for walking by our house, I thought I would try Head Lane again.  Madelle and Jerry have hiked it the last two summers.  Now, the mountain that is part of the Scratchgravel Mountains I climbed once.  My oldest son and I tackled it one Christmas Day.  We basically went straight up.  Ouch.

So, with Leo next to me, I drove up Head Lane.  I made it to the bus turnaround like last time and didn't see any trails.  Stupidly, I get nervous with country roads that look like they only go to people's homes, but I was determined to find where the trailhead began.  I kept driving.  I sighed with relief when I saw a sign that I followed to a nice parking spot.

What a perfect spot!  The trail system is extensive and the old roads are perfect.  Yes, all of them have uphill climbs, but the options are easy and hard.  I loved it.  Flowers were blooming all over the place.  The views were beautiful.  I even saw plenty of prickly pear, which I love.  I didn't notice any barrel cactus.  I probably will later, but if not, the rest was stunning.  I am so excited to be able to come here to walk the dog.

Of course, I pushed myself a little too far on my sore leg.  I went .75 in one direction.  I stuck to an old road until on the way back I saw a trail that would be a bit of a short cut.  Not the brightest idea.  Luckily it didn't get steep.  I loved snapping some pictures.  The funny part is that I am such a dipstick.  I have lived so close to the perfect spot to go hiking.  I only saw three people and two dogs.  Oh, well.  Better late than never.

Here are some of the pictures from the hike.

I have also meant to write about a fishing trip Clay and I took last Saturday.  The weekend's plan originally were to host a family gathering.  We canceled do to Covid, but Clay still came home.  I was so thankful that he did.  Anyway, here are some of those pictures as well.  We dropped a line in Holter Lake and the Missouri River.  No bites.  Next time.

Loss and Gains

This week I feel very scattered.  I look at my life around me and wonder what is the next thing to conquer.  My thoughts flit from blog posts, to yard work, to de-cluttering, to cleaning, to sewing, to writing, to crocheting.  Oh, then I throw in walking and hip exercises and other projects that I can dive into.  I am not at all focused.

If I add my thoughts about what to write about, I worry my head might explode.  As I walked around with Leo this morning, my thoughts returned to loss over and over.  Then I would remember Father Shea's homily about not whining.  I would think of the positive mixed into the loss.  Yep, my head is spinning.  This means I should probably write.  I worry my theme is always the same.  My poor readers, but this is what is on my heart right now.

As I have probably said over and over, I have lost all my travel for the year.  I lost my mom.  And again, as I have said before, this has been an ongoing loss, so I am amazed at my emotions with this loss.  I have lost my ability to breath when I go shopping or go to church.  I developed allergies in the last year.  I have always been claustrophobic when something is over my face, so  between the two, I have lost the freedom to breath if I go out into the world and have to wear a mask.  Adding to this, I have lost my garden nursery two blocks from my house.  I have lost my writing spots at the library and Scenic Brew.  Yesterday, I lost my walking area.

Behind the subdivision I live in, an area of over ten county blocks has stayed empty.  People walk in the area over a bunch of paths and dirt roads.  Meadowlarks, fox, and rabbits live in the tall grass.  Barrel and prickly pear cactus bloom in the spring.  I love walking in the area with Leo.  Yesterday, I finally decided to walk a little further.  I had to turn around because a fence is blocking the road on the Mill side of the land.  Today I walked through the Scribner section.  The new fence will block my way soon.  In fact, I won't walk it again.  Today was my last time.  Yes, I was trespassing.  Now Leo and I only have the courts to walk in which is boring for both of us.  I will have to load him up in the pickup now to take him for fun walks.  I will miss the field dreadfully!!!

Alas, I know that I have to face one more loss this year.  In a couple of months, a dear friend will be moving away.  Part of me wishes I could just rip the Band-Aid off and get it over with.  The other part of me wants the time to drag by before the big move so I can enjoy my last days with this person.  But this is what life is.  Loss.  Fortunately, life is also filled with gains.

I have gained an appreciation of life before 2020 with no masks and the freedom to travel all over the world.  I mean, I always appreciated those things, but now they seem so much sweeter.  I don't think I will ever see either the same again.  I have gained a new deck and wall.  For years, I have wanted both but the travel took all my extra money.  I am really excited to have both of these projects close to being done.  In the evening, I sit on my deck and enjoy the backyard.  It is delightful.  Once it is finished, I am excited to have dinner outside.  And the wall???  The front of the house finally feels finished.  Sure, I need to work on the flowerbeds the wall has created, but that will happen in time.  Even if my hip doesn't let me dig, Clay is going to help.  I am blessed!!!

I have also gained two sewing machines and a million projects.  Blessing or curse?  I mean really, I don't need anymore hobbies and projects.  My house feels like it is overflowing with stuff.  This morning I moved a big chest after taking everything out of it.  Now, I have a bunch of quilting stuff in the cabinet.  But where to put the stuff that was in it?  A lot will go in the garbage.  Other stuff will go into the library.  I have room on the book shelves for all of Jerry's sports cards.  I have to figure out what will happen with some photos and art stuff.  De-cluttering and reorganizing is a process!

Gains and losses abound this year.  I have conquered finding a place to put all the sewing stuff and the sewing cabinet that is in the garage.  I will bring that into the house later this week.  Now, I need to finish finding spots for everything that is still on the floor.  Oh, the work of a crafter is never done!!!

Hoarding

One of my biggest fears is becoming a hoarder.  I felt on the cusp of slipping into the mindset.  I like to have items on hand like cleaners, food staples, and projects.  Normally, I am good at cleaning areas of clutter throughout the year, especially in the public areas of the house.  I want to have a welcoming home for friends and family.  I do get into trouble with the closets, cupboards, and garage.  The last few years have been bad for various reasons and the junk has accumulated.  Am I a hoarder?

My mother was a bit of a hoarder.  Growing up, I had to keep some of her boxes in my room.  I would be embarrassed when friends came over because of all the junk.  After leaving home, she moved my sister into my old room and turned hers into a sewing room.  The boxes multiplied.  When my sister moved out and we came home less, more boxes moved into the house until every extra space was being used in all of the bedrooms and the back bathroom.  In the end, I could stay with Mom only if I slept in the recliner.  Well, needless to say, we had a ton of boxes to go through when we cleaned out the house.  I began to worry.

Every time I turned around I felt like I was adding more stuff to my truck or pile to be put into the truck.  I came home with boxes of pictures, sewing projects, dishes, cups, and odds and ends.  Crazy.  I stuffed everything into the garage or my writing room.  Ugh!!!  My life was becoming the stuff of nightmares for me.  What was I going to do?  I needed to make some hard core decisions and start getting rid of stuff.  I have a lot more to do, but I have made progress.  I have made a number of trips to the dump with Clay's help.  I have made a number of trips to Good Sam with Madelle's help.  Jerry listed big items on the classifieds and sold a few.  Next week he will work on a few more.  Here are some pictures of my progress.

In these before and after pictures, I still have two boxes of fabric that need to be given to two cousins.  I also have a couple of items to go to Good Sam.  I can't get my pickup into my side yet, but I will by the time the snow flies.

Before

After

These two photos are a little disappointing.  I still have to get stuff off the pool table.  Jerry will list that next week.  I will put up the saw horses and have a place to work on new doors for the inside of the house and a couple other projects I have planned in the next year or two.  Also, the tools on the floor will leave when the deck is finished.

Before

After

This area doesn't look great, but I will say that it is.  This is Jerry's side of the garage for all of his military and catering stuff.  I need to clear the table for him to be able to use.  He will sale the two chairs or they will go to the dump.  Otherwise, the area will stay his.  The boxes to the right are the sewing projects.  Yes, I am going to be busy!!!

Before

After

            Wow, there is a floor.  Soon, I will have a big space for projects.  I am excited.

After

After

I will always have a cluttered garage.  I like to paint, stain, create, garden, and a million other things.  With that said, I also want my garage to be open and usable.  I don't want to be a hoarder.  I don't believe I am one.  As I grow older, I want to continuously scale down so my kids don't have too much of a mess to fix when I pass away.  Oh, and the cat in the picture will be staying.