Un-tethered

 

The last couple of weeks I have felt un-tethered.  My ability to concentrate on one task is less than normal.  I have no focus on finishing a project.  I am lost in the sky with nothing holding me in place.  As I think about the feeling, I realized an un-tethered bird is free to soar where the wind will take him.  Right after Mom died, I felt free.  Well this is what un-tethered means.  I loved the freedom.  What is different now?  Why don’t I like it anymore?

I honestly don’t know.  Okay, maybe I should say that I honestly don’t want to admit that I am mourning the loss of my mother, my family of origin.  The Sunday calls home kept me grounded.  The responsibility of checking in with Mom and traveling to Libby in the summer gave me purpose.  Yes, I have purpose in all sorts of other ways, but this purpose has been with me for 52 years.  The purpose is gone.  I feel I am floating willy-nilly all over the place.  What do I do with this?

At the moment while writing this, I am sitting in a hotel in Missoula.  I came over to get away for a couple of days to write and read for my fantasy writing class.  The trip is a multiple layer trip in that I left my pickup at the dealership to fix the air-conditioning unit.  I also met up with a couple of cousins to hand over things we saved for them from Mom’s stuff.  My feeling of being un-tethered has to do with family as well, I think.
     Libby has been the center of family on both sides: Nixon and Hedahl.  When Dad died, I worried about not seeing the Nixon family as much.  I worked at staying connected with Aunt Shirley and Uncle Albert.  They are gone now.  Mom’s passing left me with no home base with
which to keep in the loop and visit from.  Being un-tethered isn’t just about Mom and the house, it is also about the extended family.

I need to learn to navigate in the extended family without the older generation.  On the Nixon side, I am now that older generation.  How did that happen?  My dad was great at staying connected.  Of course, most of his family lived in Libby,
so at the worst, he ran into them in town. But I know he visited all the time.  My mom wasn’t good at staying connected in person.  She didn’t like to travel.  People had to come to her.

Now, I live five hours from the majority of my Nixon cousins.  The majority of my Hedahl cousins are two to five hours away.  I need to go visiting.  I have to organize various trips in the summer that are now cousin trips instead of parent trips.  This will help me to feel grounded again.

Last night, being with Heidi and Holly meant the world to me.  We talked for about three hours and could have talked longer, but the hour grew late.  Yes, I keep up with some of the cousins on Facebook.  This isn’t enough.  I need to see them.  Hang out with them.  They all mean the world to me.  So, as I was sitting here this morning, I
will continue my plan of traveling to Libby at least once a year.  I need to continue to make the trip a
responsibility.  A good responsibility.  I also need to travel to the Missoula / Thompson Falls area.  When that becomes a common occurrence, I believe I will be less un-tethered.