Loss and Gains

This week I feel very scattered.  I look at my life around me and wonder what is the next thing to conquer.  My thoughts flit from blog posts, to yard work, to de-cluttering, to cleaning, to sewing, to writing, to crocheting.  Oh, then I throw in walking and hip exercises and other projects that I can dive into.  I am not at all focused.

If I add my thoughts about what to write about, I worry my head might explode.  As I walked around with Leo this morning, my thoughts returned to loss over and over.  Then I would remember Father Shea's homily about not whining.  I would think of the positive mixed into the loss.  Yep, my head is spinning.  This means I should probably write.  I worry my theme is always the same.  My poor readers, but this is what is on my heart right now.

As I have probably said over and over, I have lost all my travel for the year.  I lost my mom.  And again, as I have said before, this has been an ongoing loss, so I am amazed at my emotions with this loss.  I have lost my ability to breath when I go shopping or go to church.  I developed allergies in the last year.  I have always been claustrophobic when something is over my face, so  between the two, I have lost the freedom to breath if I go out into the world and have to wear a mask.  Adding to this, I have lost my garden nursery two blocks from my house.  I have lost my writing spots at the library and Scenic Brew.  Yesterday, I lost my walking area.

Behind the subdivision I live in, an area of over ten county blocks has stayed empty.  People walk in the area over a bunch of paths and dirt roads.  Meadowlarks, fox, and rabbits live in the tall grass.  Barrel and prickly pear cactus bloom in the spring.  I love walking in the area with Leo.  Yesterday, I finally decided to walk a little further.  I had to turn around because a fence is blocking the road on the Mill side of the land.  Today I walked through the Scribner section.  The new fence will block my way soon.  In fact, I won't walk it again.  Today was my last time.  Yes, I was trespassing.  Now Leo and I only have the courts to walk in which is boring for both of us.  I will have to load him up in the pickup now to take him for fun walks.  I will miss the field dreadfully!!!

Alas, I know that I have to face one more loss this year.  In a couple of months, a dear friend will be moving away.  Part of me wishes I could just rip the Band-Aid off and get it over with.  The other part of me wants the time to drag by before the big move so I can enjoy my last days with this person.  But this is what life is.  Loss.  Fortunately, life is also filled with gains.

I have gained an appreciation of life before 2020 with no masks and the freedom to travel all over the world.  I mean, I always appreciated those things, but now they seem so much sweeter.  I don't think I will ever see either the same again.  I have gained a new deck and wall.  For years, I have wanted both but the travel took all my extra money.  I am really excited to have both of these projects close to being done.  In the evening, I sit on my deck and enjoy the backyard.  It is delightful.  Once it is finished, I am excited to have dinner outside.  And the wall???  The front of the house finally feels finished.  Sure, I need to work on the flowerbeds the wall has created, but that will happen in time.  Even if my hip doesn't let me dig, Clay is going to help.  I am blessed!!!

I have also gained two sewing machines and a million projects.  Blessing or curse?  I mean really, I don't need anymore hobbies and projects.  My house feels like it is overflowing with stuff.  This morning I moved a big chest after taking everything out of it.  Now, I have a bunch of quilting stuff in the cabinet.  But where to put the stuff that was in it?  A lot will go in the garbage.  Other stuff will go into the library.  I have room on the book shelves for all of Jerry's sports cards.  I have to figure out what will happen with some photos and art stuff.  De-cluttering and reorganizing is a process!

Gains and losses abound this year.  I have conquered finding a place to put all the sewing stuff and the sewing cabinet that is in the garage.  I will bring that into the house later this week.  Now, I need to finish finding spots for everything that is still on the floor.  Oh, the work of a crafter is never done!!!