Thursday, January 26, 2017
To Go or Not To Go
Thirty years ago, I was a senior in high school. In January, I caught a horrible cold. For about three months, I was sick. My breathing was labored due to living in a house with smokers and a town with wood smoke in the air. I struggled those days and faced the fact that my dream of going to Oregon or Washington for school was completely out of the question. I had no money. I settled for in state as far as I could go which meant Billings.
What does this have to do with anything? I am not sure. I might just be rambling. My classmates are beginning to work on our reunion. A few of them are excited and chatting about past memories and making new ones. I sit and watch the facebook feeds wondering what my part is in all of this. I don't want to go. I want to want to go, but I have feelings of dread.
The dread doesn't at all stem from seeing any of my classmates. They are amazing people. It comes from facing thirty years. I dread one more activity that takes me away from home and the gardens. I dread yet another trip to Libby after the ten I took last year with the death of my dad. I am already planning three trips up there as it is. I dread not being the me I imagined I would be at this age. I love my life, but …. I dread what to do with my daughter if my husband can't come. And yes, I dread another trip of being slapped with the reality that I can't hang out with Dad. I miss him a ton.
Yet, I wonder would I regret not going. I just don't know.