Saint James the Palestinian

                He knelt at the altar in prayer.  Every few moments his fingers progressed to the next bead while his lips moved in silence to the prayer of the intersession of Mary the mother of Jesus.  Tears streamed down his face and the drops of water could almost be heard as they dripped to the floor.  Blond hair fell to his collar in waves.  Monsignor knew the younger man could be found at the altar.  Everyday more accurate then clockwork he knelt praying.  The cleric sat behind him a couple of rows waiting for the prayer to end.  As he stood, the man saw Monsignor waiting patiently.  He took the seat offered and waited in silence.

                “Brother James we have heard word from your mother.  She is calling you home.”  He hesitated for a moment letting this much of the news penetrate the silence.  “Your older sister Catherine passed away in her sleep last night.”  He waited again.  James lowered his head cupping his face in his hands which still held the chain of Rosary beads.  More tears flowed in mourning.  “I have taken the liberty to make airline arrangements for you.  Brother Mark will take you to the airport.”

                James composed himself and stood.  Walking out of the sanctuary, Monsignor walked next to him with his arm around him in comfort.  They stopped at the door.

                “Your silence has come to an end.  Now is the time for healing and forgiveness.  For fifteen years you have lived here in solitude singing and praying for our Lord.  Sing for your sister and make amends with those you love.  Shed your past indiscretions and forgive yourself.”

                At the air terminal, Brother Mark helped James at the ticket counter with his luggage and paperwork.  They walked to the entrance to James’ gate.  Mark whispered instruction of how to get through security.  Beads of perspiration formed around James’ face.  All the noise bombarded him.  His hands shook as he handed his boarding pass to a young woman.  She gently guided him through security and to his gate.

                “Brother James, I am here to travel with you.” 

He didn’t question her presence.  Instead, he felt calmed.  They traveled to a small airport in his home state.  As they walked to the baggage area, he saw his brother approaching.  He turned to thank the woman, but she blended into the crowd only to disappear.

The days of preparation for the funeral blurred together.  He spent his time marveling with each conversation he had with his mother and siblings.  Forgiveness filled their hearts.  His father remained distant.  The night of the vigil he walked the grounds of the family parish.  The moon hung in the sky full and bright.  His sister loved the moon.  As children they howled at it during sleepouts in the backyard.  He envisioned her looking down at him and smiling.

Inside the small chapel friends and family took turns talking of Catherine.  Finally he stood and made his way to the front.  As he began to speak publicly for the first time in years, his father jumped out of the pew.

“You killed her.  She would be alive today married with children if you hadn’t destroyed her….”  The rest of the words his father spoke roared in his head.  Visions of blood and twisted metal crashed in front of him sucking him into the deep abyss of regret and hatred of self.

He couldn’t recall how he left the church or how he arrived at a bar down the street.  Each shot he drank deadened his pain.  The roaring subsided.  The vision disappeared.  The golden glow of whiskey enveloped him in a warm cocoon of numbness.  He stumbled out into the street marveling at the pretty lights.  Stepping off the curb, he didn’t see the car barreling down the road.  For the second time in his life, flashing red lights and the blaring of sirens became an instant reality.

Music woke him up.  A nurse sang Catherine’s favorite song as she changed a bandage on his lower leg.  Her smile radiated joy as she found him awake.  He recognized her.  She was the woman who traveled with him.  And then he realized she was an older version of who his sister would have been if she hadn’t been paralyzed in the accident he caused in high school.

“I did it again Catherine.”  Anguish seeped from every aspect of his being.  “I ruined your life.  How many did I ruin this time?”

“Oh, dear brother James, I was responsible for the accident.  You tried to talk me out of driving.  I brought my paralysis upon myself, but you blamed yourself and you never forgave yourself.  It is time to forgive.”

“I can’t.  Look at what I did this time.  I did it again.”

“Yes, you were in another accident.  This time you need to forgive.  You need to move on and grown.  No more staying in the past.  If you believe Jesus saved the world from sin, you need to start living that belief.  Jesus died to save you as well.”

Time went by as Brother James healed physically and spiritually from his wounds.  Every time he began to despair he took out his sister’s picture and prayed.  The rest of his days were spent in penance and prayer and forgiveness.

This is a modern day story of St. James the Palestinian.  So many times we hear stories of great believers of our faith from days gone by.  Though they have lived lives of purity, they were also human.  In James’ younger years, he wasted away his youth.  In penance, he lived the life of a hermit for fifteen years.  James fell from grace after this time as a hermit.  He surrendered to the temptations of life and committed a triple crime.  The grace of God saved him in his despair by sending a person of God to remind him of God’s divine mercy.  Saint James’ story, though drastic in crime, is much like our own story.  We sin.  But we need to continue to strive for goodness after these sins to continue our journey to holiness.

                Blessing to you all.

Hurting One Another

                Throughout the days, I watch and listen to see what would be good topics to write.  If I haven’t mentioned it before, I have a bit of a schedule.  On Monday I write about people for history who have done amazing things for the faith.  Wednesday I write about people from my life either past or present who have helped me along the journey to holiness.  Thursday I do a quote from the Bible or a fellow Christian who has made it to print.  On Friday’s, I try to write about my walk in faith.  As is typical, writing about me is a bit harder.  A friend thought I should write about egotistical people, but really, I would have to write about myself with this one.  I don’t think I want to go there just yet.  On the way back from dropping my son off at school, a topic that is near and dear to my heart was being discussed on the radio.

                Throughout the ages, vulnerable people have been hurt by their “church.”  As a child, I watched parishioners tear gaping wounds in one minister’s family causing the church to bleed from gossip and ridicule.  That minister and his family only lasted a short time.  I have watched PKs (preacher’s kids) raked over the coals because for some reason they were held to a much higher standard than the rest of us kids.  My heart always ached because my father wouldn’t go to church because “I won’t sit in the same pew as that hypocrite.”  I can’t understand how Christians can be so mean spirited though I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit I have been mean spirited myself at times.  I still struggle when I watch people I care about fall away from their faith due to the actions of others.

                The other day I heard a quote.  It went something like this.  “Hospitals are for sick people and churches are for sinners.”  Every single person who walks in the doors of a church whether it is the piano player, minister, priest, deacon, or common lay person is a sinner.  It isn’t our church that hurts us; it is the people in the church.  We have all hurt someone along the way whether we realize it or not.  We are human; we are sinners.  I have been very blessed with the current church I attend.  I can’t think of one person I don’t consider a Christian in good standing.  Or should I say drives me crazy because they are so tarnished or have hurt me.  However, that can’t be said for my entire journey.

                Marrying outside a denomination has to be one of the most potential times of pain.  Twenty-two years ago I collected a number of hurts while going through the process of marrying a young Catholic man.  I at the time was protestant.  As I have mentioned before, my family didn’t attend church, so I went to any church people would invite me too.  I attended The Church of God from the years of about first grade through eighth grade and The Christian Church during high school.  However, during all this time, I had very strong Catholics in my life.  I attend Midnight Mass, Searches, and I watched many friends be confirmed in the church.  I always loved the history, tradition, and rituals of the Catholic Church.  I also knew we would raise our children Catholic because of my husband’s family.  They were very strong in the Church.  I was finally going to have a family to attend church with.  Unfortunately, it didn’t work that easily.

                While working with a priest and a minister, hurtful things were said of us and our faiths.  I still thank God that both my husband and I realized it was the people being hurtful and not the church.  Being stubborn, we persisted.  We found a minister who while growing up had been raised in five different faiths.  His parents were church hoppers.  While attending an Engaged Encounter, a different priest worked with us along with an older married couple.  These Christians were very loving and helped us through the marriage process.  For a couple of years, we attended both churches until my heart lead me to become Catholic.  I still love the protestant in me which will never leave, but I also love the Catholic I have become.  The hurt remained for many years.  Other hurts happened.  I am sure there will be more hurts for we are human sinners who mess up.  But, I will never stop attending church.  It is critical to my successful journey to holiness.

I am fortunate to live in a community with four Catholic churches all very different in their atmospheres.  I get a choice.  Many people don’t have a choice because they live in small communities with only one option.  I have been in this situation a number of times.  It can be very difficult to attend church when the priest/minister doesn’t fit your needs.  One priest we had rarely moved my spirit, but we didn’t miss church much.  We did try once a month to go to the next town over for a spiritual refill.  There are options out there we just have to explore.

I will admit; I have stopped attending different functions because of hurtful actions.  Many years ago, I attended a Cursillo weekend.  For the next year, I tried very hard to become a part of the group, but I always felt like an outsider.  I didn’t fit.  Of course, this could have been because of the people or it very well could have been me because I struggle during social/group activities.  So I stopped going.  Three years ago, my husband drug me back to Cursillo.  And yes, he DRUG me.  In the time I was away, I changed and some of the people changed.  I still struggle at times with fitting in, but I pray harder during these times.  I have been blessed by finding a 4^th Day Group (Bible Study Group), going to meetings, and serving on the teams.  Yet it hasn’t been easy.

Have you been hurt by fellow Christians?  How have you handled the situation?  My prayer is that we will no longer hurt each other, but we are sinners.  It is bound to happen.  But hold on to your faith, and don’t let others turn you away from your faith activities.

Blessing to you all.

Waiting and Patience

“Waiting and patience are necessary if we are to fulfill what we have begun to be, and to receive, through God’s unfailing help, what we hope for and believe.” Saint Cyprian

          About three weeks, I sent out a query letter to begin the process of becoming an author.  Each day, I checked my e-mail to see if Ms. Rennert would want my novel.  I waited and waited.  Amazingly, I also had some patience.  Mainly because I need to do some editing, so the longer she took to answer the query the more I could procrastinate.  Earlier this week, I received the rejection.  She doesn’t want my work.  I haven’t yet taken a step forward to become an author.  Now, I have two options.  I could quite.  Or I can be patient.  I can rely God’s help to author.  I plan to be patient.  Well, as patient as I am able with support from family, friends, and God.

          This quote can inspire us for any vocation we set out to work.  For me it is an author, for others it may be a chef, pianist, or engineer.  I believe it is also our walk with Christ.  For those who want to be Christians we need to wait and be patient to become who God wants us to become.  We are not going to become perfectly holy overnight.  It is a process.  Every day we need to chip away at our sins, work on our humility, love, charity in small ways.  Years from now we will look back and see that on this day we still were babes in our journey to holiness and now we are toddlers.  Always believe God will be at our side helping us around our obstacles and rejections if we are patient and waiting.

Blessings to you all.

Babies: A Step to Holiness

                Monday marked the 38^th Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.  In Washington D.C. and around the country tens of thousands of people participated in the March for Life which has been held since 1974.  Throughout the years, I have struggled with this political/religious issue.  As a mother, I can’t imagine every making the decision to abort my baby.  Yet, as a mother, I can’t imagine inflicting more pay on a young woman who feels she has no other option but to abort her baby.  God gives us all a gift or two, but being a part of this movement on the frontlines is not my gift.  But recognizing beautiful stories and writing about them is something I can do.

                Over twenty years ago, a family member found herself pregnant at a young age.  Being of strong faith, she prayed and prayed and prayed some more.  Abortion was not an option for her of which the family was very proud.  After agonizing over her decisions, she finally decided to give the baby up for adoption.  All of this seems to be a lifetime ago.  My husband and I asked to take the baby, but in an infinite amount of wisdom, we were turned down.  My heart ached for this baby.  I still long to know the baby, now a young woman; I pray for her and love her dearly.  The adoption was open; so many pictures came to the family.  I will never forget the family picture of my little niece with her mother and father.  My breath was taken away.  She looked just like her beautiful adoptive mother.  My heart healed that day because of this young family member’s steps to holiness by giving the gift of life to a couple who couldn’t have a child.

                Soon after all of this happened in the family, I joined the military and went to BASIC training.  There was another young girl in my platoon that I became friends with.  One day we began debated abortion.  I made the statement that I believed in abortion when the girl was raped.  She proceeded to tell me the story of her little sister.  She had been raped at an early age.  It seems like she was fourteen, but I am not sure.  The entire family went through hell from the emotional turmoil this caused.  Her sister was adamant about not aborting the baby.  After the baby was born, the love the family had for him caused all of them to heal and to move on to a wonderful life after great sorrow.  This young woman took a step towards holiness.

                The other day I listened to a woman tell an amazing story on the Catholic Radio channel.  Her mother was pregnant at age 42.  The doctors advised she about the twins she was carrying because at her age they would not be born healthy.  Her and her husband refused.  At twenty-six years old, the twin brothers were anointed priests to serve God and His people.  What a step to holiness.  Not only did she say no to abortion, she raised the children to love and serve God.  What an amazing testament to life.

                During each of my three pregnancies, we had the option to take a test to determine if the baby had any defects.  I am the type that would worry about such things more than prepare for them, so we opted to not take the test.  I believe my doctors would not have mentioned abortion if we had taken the test and found problems.  However, I think a lot of doctors would suggest aborting a baby with issues.  I have heard mothers opt to abort their babies with medical issues of deformities and mental issues.  Those couples who refuse to abort are taking thousands of steps towards holiness.

                Today I challenge everyone to pray for our unborn and to pray for those born.  To pray for all women faced with the choice of life or abortion no matter which choice they make.  I also challenge you to help those in need by giving time or treasure.  I think today I will go buy some diapers to begin the collection of baby items that are given during our Lent to Life drive at our church.

                Blessings to you all.

Paula Gambara-Costa

                Our world today is full of disposable items: plastic containers, diapers, and electronics just to name a few.  Many times it is cheaper and definitely easier to just throw things away than taking the time, and energy to fix them.  I cringe when an item breaks at my house because I know I will have to throw it away and buy new.  Unfortunately our relationships are also disposable.

                Marriages end in divorce, family member stop calling, friends quit spending time together because they are bored in the relationship or the other person is boring.  Loyalties are severed due to gossip and other hurtful activities of the “if it feels good I am going to do it mentality.”  How many times do we choose the easy way out of a situation instead of choosing the holy way?

                At the age of twelve, Paula Gambara was forced to marry Count Costa de Benasco in the year 1485.  She became a mother at fifteen.  The Count was of the Hedonism belief that if it felt good he was going to do it.  She supported him even though he treated her like a servant in their own home.  Later in their marriage, he even moved his mistress into their home giving the mistress control of the household.  Paula actually had to follow this woman’s orders.  I know how I would handle this situation and it wouldn’t be pleasant.  Paula however lived her Christian faith.  I would think she had bad days filled with hurt and anger, but she didn’t quit.

                The mistress came down with a deathly illness.  Paula tended to her every need.  When the woman was at death’s door, Paula called her priest to the woman’s bedside.  I am positive without the Holy Spirit’s intersession I would never be that good of a follower of Christ.  Paula’s work didn’t stop here.  Eventually her husband converted.  God rewarded her after this when her husband allowed her to wear the habit of the Franciscan third order.  (This is an order for all people, married, single, young, and old.  I looked it up on the internet and I could become one today.  Interesting thought especially since I have always liked St. Francis of Assisi.)

                Blessed Paula Gambara-Costa is an amazing example of making a successful journey to holiness.  She definitely gives me pause.  I have been proud of my twenty-two year marriage surviving difficulties, but she humbles me because my problems seem so minimal compared to hers.  Also, I know I have not faced the barriers in other relationships in a holy manner.  At times I have bought into the disposable relationship philosophy.

                Blessing to you all.

Self-centeredness

                Yesterday a dear friend asked me a really tough question.  “How can people be so self-centered?”  I proceeded to tell her when I discover that she will be the first I reveal the answer too.  Many people will say it is the society we live in today.  To some extent I agree only I believe it is the society all people live in from the beginning of time.  I finished reading Matthew Kelly’s book Rediscovering Catholicism; plus, Tuesday I went to the first of six DVD seminars given by him.  He talks about how there are three philosophies that most people act on.

                Individualism is the philosophy of what is in it for me.  If a person can’t see any positive outcome for themselves, they just won’t do it.  I tend to think this is the reason there are so few volunteers in the world.  Hedonism states if it feels good do it.  Hum, I have to be honest here.  I love chocolate and tend to consume too much of it because it feels good.  Unfortunately this philosophy can cause addictions, end marriages and other negative outcomes.  Finally, there is the minimalist philosophy, what is the least I can do.  Again, I must confess, I do this with my housecleaning.  I also so this a lot in the work place and I see it in peoples relationships with each other. 

                There are many reasons people become self-centered whether they learn it from a parent or have been hurt so many times they use it as a defense mechanism.  The result is they become very greedy people, greedy with their time, emotions, material goods and the like.  They stop thinking of others and only think of themselves.  Proverbs 15:27 states, “He who is greedy of gain brings ruin on his own house….”  In a word, relationships are hurt or worse destroyed.

                How do we fix self-centered adults?  We don’t.  They have to fix themselves.  If we get angry with them, they become justified.  If we try to help them, we become disappointed.  A wise person once told me not so long ago that it is our ego that thinks we can “fix” them.  They continued with only God can fix them.  All we can do is pray.  But, when people hurt us or our loved ones, we still have those rolling black emotions of anger.

                Saint Francis de Sales says we need to “keep…gentleness and humility in our hearts.”  He continues with “gentleness and humility will avert the burning and swelling which contradiction is apt to excite in our hearts.”    And there is the complication, our hearts.  I can only speak for myself, but I think I am not alone.  When I become angry, the cause is because my heart and most likely ego have been hurt.  My defense is to get angry.  Yet, I know with prayer, gentleness, and humility God will get me through the tough times because we can’t avoid all the self-centered people out there.  But during the first moments of anger and sometimes the first months of anger, I wrestle with being holy in my reactions.  I have learned over the years to try and not speak.  If people bring up topics that insight anger, I listen politely and casually change the subject.  I also try to be busy.  I crochet, cook, or pray during times of difficulty with people I know will cause chaos in life.  This is much better then speaking words in anger because this will never help the situation.

                 Are there any techniques you have to stop the anger when dealing with self-centered people?  I definitely could use some more to help me along the journey.

                Blessings to you all.

Generosity

Proverbs 11:24-25
One man gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty. A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

          In other words, the unselfish person who gives freely will gain blessings from the Lord.  We may not see the blessings, but they are there.  In my younger years, I really struggled with giving.  I could go on for a couple pages the reasons behind my fear of being poor and my hardened heart that other people should help too.  Fortunately for my soul, my husband is generous.  From the beginning of our marriage, he has patiently worked with me in increasing our tithing, giving to the poor and devoting time, talent, and treasure to many causes in our community.  The people we know see us as a couple to be relied on to get things done.  They don’t know my heart and how I don’t come by this naturally.  But we must all work to better ourselves and the lives around us.  Am I a generous person?  Let’s just say, I am a work in progress. 

Blessings to you all.