To Let Go

As I mentioned a long time ago, I signed up for a twelve week class about mental illness.  I finished up the course about two weeks ago.  I learned a few new things.  I met some amazing people who understand, truly understand.  They are in the proverbial trenches as well.  My last night before I left for class, I had an episode in my life that had me spinning.  I went to get my survey out of my binder when a piece of paper fell out.  It was a list of "To Let Go" statements.  Boy, did I need them at the moment.

I have a few people in my life struggling with mental illness.  I only talk about Madelle because I have her permission.  I haven't asked the others if I can write about them.  I can also write about myself, but I find that is a bit lame.  I have only had a little depression.  Sure, it can be tough, but nothing like what those around me go through.  I found while I wrote my responses to the statements, I would think about different people.  I found it interesting that at times I was thinking about those without mental illness that judge others so harshly and won't budge on their judgment. 

At any rate, the statements are underlined and italicized.  My responses follow.  Many of the statements have similarities as do my answers.  I could consolidate them, but I want all my readers to have the opportunities to read them in their original form in case one strikes a cord that might not if I changed them.

Mental illness is a huge issue in our communities.  So many people runaway from the issues whether in themselves or others.  Many of our extreme cases are homeless or in prison because there is no one to take care of them.  I am not mentally ill and struggling through the medical system was hell on earth.  I can't imagine having to do all the phone calls and stuff when in a mental breakdown.  I could go on and on, but will cut my soapbox short. Here are the statements.

* To let go does not mean to step caring.  It means I can't do it for someone else.

Letting go can be excruciatingly hard.  When I let go in the past, I have done so out of frustration.  I try to convince myself that I don’t care. Frankly, sometimes I don’t care for a short amount of time.  The attitudes of people with mental illness can be taxing at best. Other times, I let go for a bit just to regroup and take care of myself.  I also end up caring again which puts me back in the middle of the situation. I wish I had a button that I could turn off to allow me to let go and not care to the point that my heart hurts.

* To let go is not to cut myself off.  It's the realization I can't control another.

On a good day, this works.  I let go and let the person talk/vent.  I just listen and know that I can’t fix their problems.  Unfortunately, I want to be in control. I want to fix it.  Of course, on bad days, I let go and cut myself off from contact for a time.  The mental illness becomes too much for me to bare.

* To let go is to allow someone to learn from natural consequences.

Oh, this is so hard when the person is a loved one.  I want to step in and protect them. I want to make it better.  Alas, I can’t. If I step in, I tend to make the relationship worse.

* To let go is to recognize when the outcome is not in my hands.

So very true.  Even though I am the mother, Madelle’s education is not in my hands.  Yes, I can encourage, but the work has to hers, not mine. I can’t force her.  I have tons of other examples of my not having control in many other situations with many others as well.

* To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

I can’t take care of many people in my life with mental illness.  I do care about them. But ultimately, they have to care about what happens to themselves and do the work themselves.  I can’t do it for them.

* To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

I am horrible at this.  I want to fix it. Sure, I am supportive, but I also can’t keep my mouth shut.  I have to give suggestions on how to fix everything. I would think I could learn.  Sometimes I do well, but I inevitably find myself suggesting how a person can fix their lives.  I come off as a know it all when I just want to fix. Hopefully someday I will learn to just listen.

* To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

We all judge.  I believe it is part of human nature.  I work hard at not judging and I fail quite often.  I know I am getting better at refraining from judging and keeping my opinions to myself at times.  I find I am becoming more empathetic, though I have work to do. I watch other people judge my dear daughter and think they need to let it go.  But again, that is something I am not in control of. I know many people don’t like her at the moment and may never like her. They are missing out.  They don’t understand mental illness. I try to explain, but they have to do the work to see behind the quirky, harsh personality traits.

* To let go is not to expect miracles, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

I truly think I have reached this.  At the moment, my daughter is doing amazing.  She has worked hard and doing well. She is working about six hours a day on school work, art, writing, and hiking.  She is hoping to get into an alternative school next fall. She is happy. She hasn’t cut in almost a year. The anxiety and panic still trip her up.  They probably always will. I am enjoying the good times we are having. It could change tomorrow. We have no idea or control.

* To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

At the beginning, I tried to regulate Madelle when she started using her voice.  She can be very harsh and judgmental. But, then I thought why? I could fight with her and risk her losing her voice.  Risk her cutting again and risk her becoming suicidal again. I am not going there. Yes, she upsets people and they end up not liking her.  That is her burden, not mine. Frankly, it is also their burden.  Well, it is mine when people go off about her attitude to me. But I “let it go.”

* To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

There are so many things I could regret: not taking her out of the private school a year sooner, not seeing the signs of her illness, being a tough boot strap mom, and the list could go on and on.  I know I have loved her and others with all my heart. I have screwed up. I will screw up again. I am human, far from perfect. I can only handle the here and now. I will live in the moment.

* To let go is to fear less and love more.

I would love to say that I don’t fear the outcome of the mental illness that shadows relationships in my life.  Or should I say worry? I worry about the future. Where will we all be in the next ten years? But, I refuse to let the fear or worry cripple me.  I will continue to love and live.