A Horrible Day

During our time dealing with the mental illness that ravages my daughter, I have talked a little about my own depression, but I haven't talked about the issues of parenting.  Even with a body that hurts almost constantly, I would rather go back to BASIC training and be yelled at by drill sergeants then have the job I have right now.  I have been yelled at, called a bitch and told what a terrible mother I am.  I have had to compromise my morals, my belief in discipline, and eat a lot of pride.  Today, I am losing the battle.

The last two months have been trying to say the least.  I probably mentioned that the doctor switched Madelle's meds, spiraling her down into the dark pit of anxiety.  We are now upping her meds to bring her back up to before the switch.  It is a very slow process.  And today is a very bad day that started last night.

Madelle came out of her room and asked not to go to school this week.  It is a short week of only two days due to Thanksgiving vacation.  Well, she is getting a five day weekend and I didn't think it was appropriate.  The mom and former educated does not approve of skipping school.  I said no and her dad backed me.  She went to her room.  When he went in to ask what pasta she wanted with the spaghetti sauce, she grunted.  Later I went in to have her take her medicine, she refused.  I prayed and listened to music with her.  I talked.

What I got out of her is that she doesn't know how to make us hear her.  She can't face school.  The days will be filled with busy work and talking.  She panics on those days.  I don't want her home doing nothing, so I told her that she would have to do work.  She has reneged on her part of the bargain of only missing one day a week.  Her schedule was to say a prayer for strength, write an essay, do some fractions, read some literature, work on cell research, play her instrument, and walk the dog.

The reality … I am ready to run away to the coast and live there under an assumed name.  I am a prisoner in my own home.  Madelle woke up in a good mood.  She ate breakfast and said her prayers.  She took out her instrument and sounded off.  The next thing I know she is whining.  I ask her questions and she started yelling.  She went to her room and I asked for her kindle.  I had told her no electricity for the day.  She came back and threw it on the floor and stomped back into her room again.

A short time later she comes into my writing room asking if she is a bad kid.  Part of me wants to scream that yes, yes she is a horrid kid.  Instead I cry and say she isn't.  She said she didn't think doing school work at home is the answer.  I don't have to fear homeschooling.  But I still don't know how to get her to school.  She asked for her kindle back.  Nope.  For some reason I will stay strong on this point.  I am also not giving her my computer.  She is in the living room watching cartoons and putting together a puzzle.  Another loss.  I sit here at the computer with tears in my eyes.  Oh, and I haven't the courage to see if I pushed her to start scratching herself again.

I know people judge the situation.  Hell, I judge the situation.  "She is spoilt.  I am not tough enough on her.  I should force her to go to school so she will toughen up.  Live through those panic attacks.  Ignore the voices in her head that tell her she is a freak."  Well, people, be my guest.  You can take over the parenting because we are doing the best we can.  All I want is for her to be a well adjust happy kid with lots of friends and activities, tons of self confidence.

I read books to try to help me through.  The common theme is to take care of you.  Right, how?    Sure, I am fortunate.  I am able to tell myself most days that life is good.  I smile and push forward with my writing.  I spend time with my prayer group.  I go to church.  But on days like today, I feel horrible.

Daily Thankfulness

November is the month a lot of people daily write on facebook about things they are thankful for.  I like the tradition, but I wonder about the other days of the year.  And what about the daily stuff?  I mean, we obviously are thankful for spouses, children, parents, special extended family, and our friends.  This list alone can give me thirty days.  But really, all of them are a given to be thankful for.  Besides, we tend to give thanks to God for them on their birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.  Plus, I am thankful for them 24-7.  When I think of thankfulness, I think of those days when everything goes wrong.  For some people that is every Monday.  For me, it can be when I have had five straight days of living in pain from my rheumatoid arthritis.  Yes, the facebook tradition is wonderful, but I want more. 

Giving thanks can be a tough act.  Luckily for me, I am surrounded by a lot of faith filled people who help show me the way.  A few years ago, a dear friend and I sat and chatted over coffee.  I don't even remember what we were talking about.  Our mornings consisted of talking about children, faith, and our struggles in life.  Well, one day she mentioned an author by the name of Ann Voskamp who wrote the book "One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are."  As is my friend's personality, she went above and beyond.  She leant me her copy, which if I remember correctly was signed by the author.

The premise of the book is to give God thanks throughout the day.  The author challenged me to write down events during the day that I was thankful for when they happened.  I failed the challenge.  After doing housework, interacting with my kids and husband, and trying to figure out a scene in my latest writing project, I found myself going to bed with maybe two items on my list.  So, I changed the challenge.

I started listing off my items of daily thanks on my fingers as I drifted off to sleep.  Here would be an example of my last 24 hours.  I thanked God for…

Finger one, waking me up.  With two tough autoimmune diseases, this is big. 

Finger two, coffee.  The diseases can zap me of all energy.  I live on caffeine.

Finger three, for the strength of character for Madelle at the orthodontist.  She did not sleep at all last night because of her new meds.

Finger four, the money to pay for the extra work done at the orthodontist.

Finger five, safe travels.  The roads were wet and slippery while running around in town.

Finger six, 2790 words written.  That is a very good day.

Finger seven, my husband's suggestion for one of my characters.  God timed it perfect because I was writing that scene.

Finger eight, my new walking boots.  It can now snow and I will have good traction.

Finger nine, an easy time with giving Leo a bath.  He tends to be difficult but we used a new technique.  It went much, much better.

Finger ten, for a quick, fun conversation with my dad.

If I am not too tired at night, I do add two more things to be thankful for because I do feel guilty about always being thankful for waking up and coffee.  Also, if I am extra tired and fall asleep on number five, I let the angels take over for me.  There are days that I struggle after the first couple items, those Mondays in life when the day is just crummy.  But I find I talk to God about the day.  We have a great conversation as I discuss my life.  I share with him the troubles I am having and he always guides me towards the good stuff that happened.

I still encourage people to do the November challenge.  In our negative world, seeing thankfulness displayed is a bonus.  As for me, I will continue to count them off on my fingers everyday of the year.  I challenge all of you to give it a try.

Resting and Waiting

Resting.  I hate resting.  At times, I can be really good at it.  Summer time I rest from writing and I garden and play which some may think isn't resting.  However, there are times I need to rest.  For the most part, I hate it.  Right now I am in a resting phase.  My project ended a couple of days earlier than I anticipated, so I rest.  Thank goodness a couple of things have been going on so I don't go stir crazy.

This past month, I read through my manuscript of about 90,000 words.  I finished that up in nine days instead of 10.  Next, I went to writing and editing like crazy.  I added 23,630 words.  I thought I would finish it up on the thirtieth, but actually ended the twenty-eighth.  Now I am waiting/resting for November 1st.  I hate waiting.

Why November 1st, you might ask.  Well, November is a crazy month where many writers work at writing a 50,000 word novel in thirty days.  I have to say that it is crazy fun.  I love it.  Of course, I am so excited to start the writing, but I don't want to use up words I can't count in October, so I wait.  I do bend the rules for my convenience.  This year the project I am working already has 26,726 words.  Some of those words have to be cut.  I probably have more like 20,000 words.  However, the novel will end up being 116,000 when it is finished.  Thus, I can easily write 50,000 words that are new for this project.  That is my goal for the November NaNo.  Will it be finished?  No, but it is 50K and I am counting it.

So, in prepping, I decided while plotting the novel two days ago, I wanted one of my characters to drive the other character crazy.  I downloaded a memoir about a person with Schizophrenia.  This has kept me pretty busy.  I was also exceptionally tired yesterday.  I read and catnapped much of the day.  I also baked chocolate zucchini bread.  Today, I am traveling to a little city that is about halfway between where I live and where my sister live.  It also happens to be where my son goes to college.  We are taking him to lunch and then the two of us are going shopping.  No, I am not a big shopper, but it is fun with my sister!

Tomorrow, I will hopefully clean house, finish the reading, and make oatmeal flatbread.  I am really anticipating Sunday.  I have a feeling I will be up at four due to the time change and excitement.

Rediscovering Jesus

I sit here at my computer gaping at the white screen.  My eyes feel like they have dirt enough in them to turn the blue irises deep brown.  Though my eyes feel full, my brain feels empty.  I keep trying to think of a topic for my blog post.  An idea pops in the empty void, but I crumple it up like a piece of blank paper and toss it in garbage.  Yes, I envision making the basket every time. 

One of the activities in my life at the moment is rediscovering Jesus.  Four other ladies and I are working on the new book by Matthew Kelly entitled, you guessed it, "Rediscovering Jesus."  I love Matthew's simple writing skill that asks big questions.  I also love the purple cover.  For some reason, when I look at the bright lively color, I smile.

Anyway, a week or two ago, a question struck me.  I don't remember the exact question, but it had to do with what I have done to get to know Jesus better besides pray.  How have I studied Jesus to get to know Him better?  At first, I was proud about how I have read the Gospels a number of times.  But then I took the question a step further.  How have I studied Jesus compared to some of my favorite saints.  I have read the writing of St. Patrick, St. Theresa, St. Francis de Sales, and St. Francis of Assisi.  Besides the Bible, I have never read any other books about Jesus.  I have to say, that I am a little disconcerted by that fact.  What am I going to do about it?  Well, I will finish this book.  I think I will continue with another one either on my own or with my friends.  Yes, I know a lot about him, but I would like to know more.

The other aspect I have obtained through the book is spending more time with Him.  The book asked to compare my relationship with Jesus to my relationship with the people in my life.  I believe it is similar to that of one of my dear friends.  I think of them both often, but I forget to spend time with them.  I get so busy with my daily work and schedule that I realize I haven't hung out with Him.  Now I am trying to ask Him to hang out with me while I am writing and drinking my coffee.  Or I ask Him to go for a ride downtown to keep me company.  I am far from good at it, but with a little practice, I have to be a little better.

My computer screen is no longer empty!  I pray you have a blessed day.

A Plan of Attack

I am proud of myself.  Yesterday, I just went out and looked at my sales reports for my novel and short stories.  Nothing, notta.  I haven’t sold anything in at least three months, but it is probably more like eight or nine months.  I think I am okay with that.  But it does mean that I have a crap load of work to do.  I need to get this book done and started on the next book.  I need a plan of attack. 

First, I need to finish up my current work.  I gave myself 10 days to read my novel, make notes, and get a plan of what needs to be done.  I am halfway through this thanks to the sandwich call.  Melissa is doing great with that.  I am very blessed to have her helping.  The rest of October needs to be writing the rest of the scenes and editing with my note cards.  At the same time, I have to write up an outline for book three. In my spare time, I have to read the instruction of how to get book one into CreateSpace.  I am very tired of not having a paper version of the book.

Second, in November, I will send my book to my first readers.  I will give them a couple days head start and then send the first two chapters to my editor.  I will give her the rest as my readers get finished.  I will continue work in CreateSpace.  The big task will be writing 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo.  The words will marry up to the 26,000+ words I have already done for book 3.

Third, in December, I will start formatting and uploading book 1 to CreateSpace.  I will design a book cover for book 2 and work edits.  I will continue to write book 3.  I will format and upload my “Crosses” short story to Kindle and Smashwords. 

Wow, that is a crap load of work.  Plus, I forgot that I want to keep blogging.  I had thought to go to a movie this week as an artist date, nope.    Instead, I will take the camera to do a 10 to 20 minute shoot of something historical.  I need to get pages read and edited.

 

Writing Away

In my last post, I talked about filling my time back up with a lot of work.  Wow, that is most definitely the case.  I have been editing and writing away.  Let me tell you a little bit about it.

In the spring, I tried periodically to work on my latest novel, “Pursuing Knowledge.”  I struggled.  In May, I went to a conference when I had a light bulb moment.  My novel reached its ending and I thought I had about 21 more scenes in my protagonist’s (Corrion) future to write.  Nope, instead I had some 20+ scenes to write from the antagonists’ (Icylica and Stephne) point of view.  Unfortunately, the short moments I had to write left me a little lost in the plot.  The summer drug by with no writing on the novel.  Gurr!!!

At the end of September and after the busy church retreat obligations, I sat down, as lost as ever.  I needed to read my 310 page novel to remember more than the high points.  Starting October 1^st, I vowed to read/edit 30+ pages a day by October 10^th.  My dear friend Melissa helped by holding me responsible for texting her each evening with a report.  She cheered me on and I finally dropped all my procrastination and finished it by the 9^th. 

With my success, I needed to keep the candle burning.  Starting on the 10^th, my goal turned into editing/writing 4 scenes a day.  Of course, I started having flare-ups from my fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis.  I have been hurting and dragging with no energy.  I still have been plugging forward.  A friend of mine made the comment that I am my own boss; I could take a day off.  True, but I fear that one day will turn into to and the next thing I know it will be Halloween Day and I am not done.  Yes, my goal is to send my novel out to my first readers on the 31^st.  This book has been looming over my head now for a good year.  I want it gone!!!

I have 30 scenes completed.  I have 46 scenes left to edit, but of those, I have 10 scenes that need to be written from scratch.  I also have to go through the character arc of my two villains.  This might flush out a couple more scenes to write.  Calgon, take me away!!!

As for the rest of my life, as I mentioned, the flare-ups are being a little challenging.  This week was a bit tough with my husband home one day and my daughter home other days.  I love to spend time with them.  They are great though and let me have some time to write.  I pray next week the flare-ups are gone and I can add hours to my work days.  God willing.

Happy Tuesday

Looking back at last month, I didn’t blog very often.  I was busy working with our ladies weekend retreat, attending a family gathering, and getting back into the grove of school.  This month isn’t slowing down.  Well, it is, but I am filling it back up.  Here is what is going on currently with our lives.

Madelle is doing wonderfully, not perfect, but our good days far outweigh our bad days.  I can take that.  She is writing her own blog which I might post here in a couple of weeks.  She is talking about her illness.  She is beginning to feel mildly comfortable around people.  She is recognizing her triggers and adjusting her life to fix them.  She has cut a few people out of her life for the time being because they cause her so much hurt.  Other people from her younger years, she is working at having them back in her life.  All of this is a huge process.  She is amazing me.

With her doing better and the drama down to a manageable level, I am working on my novel again.  Yay!!!  I think I am even going to go away for a weekend later in the month to have my own writer’s retreat.  I am getting excited.  On the first of the month, I started a project that I will go into more detail later this week or next week.  It depends on timing.

What will this mean for my blog?  To tell the truth, I am not all that sure.  I will post how my writing life is progressing.  And I will try to post the thoughts of a Norwegian Catholic Red Neck; that would be me.  I always find that entertaining.  I will also give updates on how the mental illness is going.  Oh, I may write a little bit about my auto immune diseases.  For now, I need to get back to my novel. 

Happy Tuesday.