Changing Focus

 

I feel so much joy this morning.  The clouds sweep through the valley with a purpose leaving a beautiful blue sky.  The temperature sores upward to dance in the forties.  The essence of who I am is changing.  How can it not after losing a son?  I have been told I will never be the same since Michel died.  But who am I going to let myself become?  In December, I felt I would be angry for life.  January brought the inevitable sadness.  I don’t want either of those things to be with me.  February has been a roller-coaster but mainly depression.

This past week, I thought about meaning and legacy.  Since about September, I have been working at finishing my mother’s legacy.  I dived deeper to runaway from my grief once Michel died.  I got a little angry that I was spending all this time finishing my mom’s stuff.  I need to be me, not her.  So, while I thought, I worked on a project that I started years ago.  I don’t know what it was going to be, so I decided on a baby blanket.  At the same time, I worked on one of her projects because I can’t waste all the material and half-finished things.  I can turn them into something.  That IS who I am.

Of course, I also thought of Michel.  Where is my relationship with him?  I have my mom in the quilting.  I have my dad in gardening, fishing, and the outdoors.  I have my father-in-law in my birdwatching.  What do I have with Michel? 

My emotions have been too big to face alone; yet, I haven’t wanted to burden my family and friends.  I know, I know.  They all want to help, but I didn’t want skewed thoughts from others who have their opinions of me and the situation.  I wanted someone outside of the circle.  COVID has made that very difficult.  Two weeks ago, I saw the clinic’s therapist who gave me a name of a therapist seeing people in person.  Because of both these amazing ladies, I have been able to open the well of feelings.  On Friday, my new, permanent therapist gave me the safety net to explore my life as a mother to Michel.  For now, I am feeling better.  I am sure I will have some relapses, but right now I am good.  Tired, but good.

While in my deep despair, I thought I would quilt for the rest of my life.  Hiding in my quilting room felt safe.  Now, I have been going out and about.  I knew and know I need to go through the motions.  I have been so busy.  Everyday I have something to do with friends and family.  I know they have been helping me immensely.  I have my stitch group, art people, sushi gang, game night kids, Bible study sisters, and my partner in crime who lives in the neighborhood.  I am so very blessed.  In the last two days though, I am getting ready to leave the quilt room.

No, I am not going far.  In fact, I am only turning my chair around and moving it a few inches to the computer.  I have started journaling again.  I am going to start working on my memories and other grief related ideas.  I am excited because it feels good.  It feels heathy to be back in front of the page.

I knew I would leave the room for gardening, but I am leaving the room next week.  Okay, I will if my surgery goes well tomorrow.  I have to go in for a biopsy.  If I have healed enough, I am going to tear apart the pantry.  The plan is to declutter, clean, and paint.  After that, I am going to tackle the living room entertainment area if the pantry goes well.  If not, I will hire it done.  By the end of March, those areas are going to look good so I can rest with that and hit the gardens, weather permitting.

Yes, I will continue to quilt.  My goal for the year is to finish up a total of 36 projects.  I have accomplished eleven.  I may not make the 36, but even with just the eleven, I have put a dent in the piles.  I do love the quilting.  I just don’t want to stay in the quilt room quite as much.  My focus needs to change.  I need to find the new me.

Here are the two projects I worked on last week.  I still have more sashing to go, quilting, and the border.  I may or may not get them finished up this coming week or two.  I will definitely post them when I do.