Monday, October 24, 2016

A Season of Sadness

Moods have a way of

Just when you need
them to
hold still-

And there's one word


An abundant amount of sadness has descended on me this morning.  The feeling has been percolating for the past seven days.  I keep trying to fight the feeling.  I listen to music, work on projects, pray, write, clean, and garden.  Really, life is beautiful and abundant.  What is going on that makes me so sad?

The weather has been an issue.  I don't think we have had this wet of a fall in quite a few years.  We need the moisture but I am a person of the sun.  My favorite colors are the vivid blue in the sky and the bright green of the lawn.  Gray clouds weigh heavy on me when they hover overhead for days on end.  Today, my prayer of a sunny day has been answered. 
This should lift my spirits, but it is only helping a little bit.

Madelle has been struggling.  She is a child who has never liked change.  As young as a toddler, I would tell her the plan of the day, even if it was just to pick her up from daycare.  She needed to know the transitions of the day.  Well, a new school year has reeked a bit of havoc in our world.  She started out the year disliking all of her teachers.  Panic attacks have been happening a lot throughout the weeks.  She has become depressed and is scratching herself until she bleeds.  I have been to the school for numerous meetings to help her advocate for herself.  I can guarantee her middle school counselor has been earning her paycheck!  Madelle has attended all the meetings.  I speak for her sometimes, but she has been talking as well and is learning to advocate a little more.  She now likes all of her teachers, but one.  I think after yesterday the last one is on the road to helping with a trusting relationship with Madelle.  I see some hope on the horizon.  However, I do feel the stress of when the next storm will pass through.

For the last two weeks, I have been feeling very good about the loss in my life.  I have been adjusting to my dad and grandpa being gone.  My last trip to Libby went really well.  But for whatever reason, today as I worked on my novel, I kept thinking of Dad.  I miss him terribly at the moment.  I decided to pay bills, when I ran across a few address labels for Grandpa.  He sent them one year in his Christmas card.  Now, I have sent him gifts every year, but to Mom's address to give to him.  I never used one label to send him a letter or card.  Now, I can't.  I feel like a horrid granddaughter.  I miss him too.  Yes, I visited him almost every time I went to Libby, but it wasn't enough.  As I sit writing this, I realized that I probably haven't mourned Grandpa.  Well, I am today!

The final issue I have is two things that combine, my health and chores.  My new medicine has caused my white blood cell count to go down.  Because of that, I have caught a cold that has lasted a week.  I have also been hurting all over since Sunday.  I look at my dirty house, messy yard, and all the projects unfinished and I am a bit discouraged.  I am not pressured by anyone.  Jerry and Madelle don't mind a messy house, nor do the friends who stop by.  No one minds about the yard either.  The problem is I love doing all of the work, but I just hurt a little too much to push myself.  I am afraid if I do push, I will be stuck in bed.  So, I poke around doing a little bit here and there.  I am not good at pokey!!!

What am I going to do about all of this?  Pray, first and foremost.  I will try to give myself a break.  I will go to my depression list.  1)  I need to be reading.  Hum, I never stop reading.  Not an issueJ  2)  Polish the silver.  I fixed two of the cupboard doors this morning along with the curtain rod.  I will also try to keep doing a little housework.  3)  Garden.  Hum, that is pretty much over for the moment though I am hoping to get out there on Saturday.  I would like the rest of the weeds gone where I can see them from the writing room.  4)  I have been scrapbooking.  I have done about seven pages on a new book I am making for a gift.  5)  Change of Scenery.  Last week I went to the library.  This week I am going to the coffee shop early to get some reading done before I meet friends.  6)  Research and Study.  I am doing this with my books about England.  7) Listen to music.  I am doing this right now as I type.  8) Play with Leo.  He makes meJ  9)  Take an outing.  To be honest, I don't want to.  With about 10 trips north this year, I am done.  Besides, in two weeks I am going to see my sister.  Plus, I think we have two more little trips planned.  I am good with outings!  10)  Photography.  My bird feeder is filled and my camera is ready.  In fact, I have added some fun photos that I worked on as I was writing.  The birds are keeping me so entertained.

The sadness is a part of my world at the moment.  I will keep facing it, analyzing it, and working to alleviate it.  As I close this post, my back is achy.  My coffee cup is empty.  But I have another two hours of work to accomplish.  I always feel better if I can get work done.  I want to finish looping two more scenes so I will be ready to read this evening.  Life really is good.  I have tons of fun projects.  This sadness will pass.  When it does, I can look back at this season anda be content because I didn't let it make me immobile.  I will conquer!!!

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