My Reality

In the last week, I have been thinking a lot about reality.  What is reality for me?  How does the reality of education, finances, work, and relationships look for my sweet girl with her mental illness?  I know what it looks like today, but what will it look like four years from now when she is supposed to be setting off on her own or when her dad and I are no longer in this world to support her?  Being a type A personality, I hate the uncertainty of it all. 

Today's reality is that my daughter has not been to school in seven days.  I have a couple of bills that I am making payments on and I am sure there are more to come.  My relationship with my daughter is 20% rocky when she is struggling with panic and anxiety.  This is a huge win.  At the height of this journey, our relationship was volatile.  Her relationship with her father, a few family members, and family friends are holding in there, but she has no steady friends in school.  We are working her treatment through three angles: psychiatrist, therapist, mental health services through Intermountain/School.  I feel like a failure every morning I call the school to say she will be absent again. 

Here is an interesting tidbit.  When I went to high school in a small Double A school, we had two guidance counselors and maybe a school nurse.  My daughter's regular sized Double A school, has three or four guidance counselors, a school nurse and I believe FIVE mental health workers.  This doesn't include the special education department.  What is going on here?  I just don't understand!!!

Let's go back to the failure situation.  My daughter isn't going to school.  Both my husband and I are educated.  I have a bachelors in education and he has a bachelors and masters in education.  We believe in education and we believe in the public school system in Montana schools for ordinary kids.  I am beginning to doubt their ability with the kids with mental illness.  But, reality has to enter this scenario of sending my daughter to school.  I physically can't force her to go.  If I push her to go verbally, our home becomes a battle ground.  Her anxiety becomes so hard to deal with she will start cutting.  She may go to school, but then she also will end up in the hospital.  Last Friday she wanted to die.  She wanted to drop out of school.  We are in a holding pattern at this point waiting for a meeting at the school next Tuesday.  I asked for the meeting last Friday.  Yep, the possess is slow.

Later I might talk about options and what the professionals say about each option.  Talk about chasing the proverbial tail in circles…it is exhausting.  But the reality at this moment is that I have to make Madelle safe.  She doesn’t feel safe among her peers.  I have to keep a good relationship with her.  We have done the authoritative relationship and that didn't work.  I have to be patient.  I am trusting the school and mental health community while I read books and learn.  I keep writing.  I still don't know our reality for next week, but we will face each day as they come.