Homeschooling

Suggestions can be a double edged sword.  Many times in the midst of extreme distress a loving comment can cut those already in the depths of pain by feeling shame or judgment.  A person's reaction can range from knee jerk reactions of rage to thankfulness for a potential solution to a terrible situation.  When a suggestion was made to me last week, I just smiled in amusement.  Later, from another comment on the same topic, I cried.

My dear cousin asked a perfectly logical question.  If I have a degree in education, why don't I home school my mentally ill daughter?  In theory, I could easily teach English and history.  My husband is amazing at math and history.  From there we could divide up the curriculum.  Simple solution, right?  For many families homeschooling works.  My family is not ready to take that step.

My husband's career takes him out of town a lot.  This year I have lost track of all the times he has been flying here and flying there or driving around the state for days on end.  Now, I am always home.  The big problem with that is Madelle and I mix as well as oil and water.  My personality grates on her last nerve.  I am a type A personality.  In her second and third grade years, the teachers that made her feel stupid 24/7 were type A personalities.  For a year, Madelle and I battled not knowing why.  One trip to the hospital, Jerry turned to Madelle.  "You see those two teachers in your mom when she is trying to teach you something."  A light must have turned on for both of us.  She nodded and cried.  I felt extreme relief and cried.  I wasn't doing something wrong.  I just triggered the wounded little girl.  Now, I don't teach her.  If I find I need to, it is a slow process with small tasks that take days to complete.  I can't teach my daughter without our home turning into a battleground.  And I guarantee that if that happens, she will be cutting and back in the hospital in a matter of weeks.  Our home has to be safe for her.

Neither my husband nor I are ready to give up on her outside education.  We have a high regard for the teachers and staff at all of the schools here in Helena.  Well, maybe not all of them, but the majority are amazing.  I loved the mentors my boys found at Capital High.  Already, I know Madelle's teachers care for her deeply.  She needs them.  Her English teacher alone is a delight and loves spending time with Madelle.  One of her doctors thinks it is vital for Madelle to be socializing.  I agree.  Right now isn't the time, but shutting that door isn't the option either.  All of her teachers are willing to work with her while she stays at home.  She will get the opportunity to do an online class or two through the special education program once we roll her 504 over to an IEP.  (These are different programs for students struggling in school.)  Next year, she will have the opportunity to attend a smaller setting off campus and as she grows stronger, she can transition back to the high school or not.  Madelle will decide.

Now with all that said, I have researched online high schools.  Tuesday I was about ready to throw in the towel with the high school until I went to a meeting.  They are trying their best, so we will continue to try our best.  If the circumstances change, I am willing to go the online route.  She really is a smart kid and could probably eat up an online course, but it won't teach her to navigate the world.  Ultimately, we still need to teach her that part of life as well.  And yes, if the time comes that we have to learn a new lifestyle that doesn't include the world, we will.  For now, we aren't giving up.

Smiling at the simplicity of the suggestion of homeschooling, I acknowledged that many people don't know our situation or beliefs.  I have had enough people mention this avenue that the suggestion didn't make me feel guilty or shameful for not doing this for my daughter.  I have come to terms with my inability to home school.  But as I pointed out, one comment did make me cry.  When I have explained my stance on homeschooling, the words rang true to logic, but not to my heart.  This friend spoke what has been on my heart.  I simply want to be Madelle's mom.