I have hoped for years that a particular
relationship would get better. I tried
different strategies. They have failed. I stopped strategizing. All I did was hope. Nothing has changed for the better. Instead, everything has gotten worse. I am being held hostage.
My whole life, I feel like I have been held
hostage, but for the last four years, the bondage has been piercing. As I have stated before, mental illness has
been a part of my life since I was little.
As for myself, I have only had a couple bouts of
depression and postpartum depression. When
a loved one or I realize I have started down the “rabbit” hole, I have gone for
help. Usually counseling took care of
the issues. Twice I went on medicine and
counseling. In the last couple of years,
I have read psychology books. I have
done well working with my issues. I have
never just hoped to get better. I have
worked to get better.
Some people in my life haven’t worked to get better. One in particular has been running from her
issue for as long as I realized she had issues about thirty years ago. I have offered to take her to see a
counselor. I have offered to go into
counseling with her for thirty years!!! I have also talked about psychiatrists for
years. All I have been left with is
hope. I hope she gets better.
Now, she has taken the meds, but they are no
longer working. She is far from better.
Instead she is so deep down the rabbit hole that I haven’t a clue how she is
going to get out. This is thirty plus
years in the making. In the last couple
years, she has dabbled in therapy, but then quits until she is "bad"
again. She has tried alcohol. She
finally was talked into a psychologist and canceled the appointment.
Every time I call, which I try once a week, I
hope the call goes well. My stomach churns
as I dial the number. I hope she is
either having a good day or she won’t answer.
My body tenses. I dread it. I avoid it for as long as possible. When her number pops up, I never know if she
while be manic cheerful, weepy, or raging.
The last couple weeks have been especially bad. The situation is pulling me down.
Hope is not a strategy. I am here to tell you that I don’t even hope
anymore. Last week, I was depressed and
in a funk after talking with her. Two
nights ago, my entire body went into a fibromyalgia flare up. I woke up feeling like a truck hit me and then
backed up over me. After a few phone
calls yesterday, I am left with a headache, fibro hangover, and am completely
useless. My hope has been gobbled up by
this person and spit out.
When it comes to bad relationships, strategies
go out the window because two people need to work at it, not just one. So, hope takes place. I also add prayer. If the relationship puts me in a fibro flare,
I need a new strategy. But what can I
do? Simply, I need to set boundaries. Of course, this will make some people angry. I will be judged. I haven’t been okay with the thought of being
judged, but I need to get over that fear.
I will continue to pray. As for
hope, well, I don’t know. I do a prayer
almost daily. The end states, “Oh,
Jesus, I surrender myself to you. Take
care of everything.” He needs to take
care of this person and the relationship and me.
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