To Go or Not To Go

Thirty years ago, I was a senior in high school.  In January, I caught a horrible cold.  For about three months, I was sick.  My breathing was labored due to living in a house with smokers and a town with wood smoke in the air.  I struggled those days and faced the fact that my dream of going to Oregon or Washington for school was completely out of the question.  I had no money.  I settled for in state as far as I could go which meant Billings.

What does this have to do with anything?  I am not sure.  I might just be rambling.  My classmates are beginning to work on our reunion.  A few of them are excited and chatting about past memories and making new ones.  I sit and watch the facebook feeds wondering what my part is in all of this.  I don't want to go.  I want to want to go, but I have feelings of dread. 

The dread doesn't at all stem from seeing any of my classmates.  They are amazing people.  It comes from facing thirty years.  I dread one more activity that takes me away from home and the gardens.  I dread yet another trip to Libby after the ten I took last year with the death of my dad.  I am already planning three trips up there as it is.  I dread not being the me I imagined I would be at this age.  I love my life, but ….  I dread what to do with my daughter if my husband can't come.  And yes, I dread another trip of being slapped with the reality that I can't hang out with Dad.  I miss him a ton.

Yet, I wonder would I regret not going.  I just don't know.

Winter Lanterns

A couple of days, I took my lantern out in the yard.  We have a lot of snow this year and I wanted to have a little fun with that as the backdrop.  Besides, snow for calendar pictures for the months of December, January, and February in my neck of the woods is a must.  I am sure a couple of my neighbors must look out their window and wonder about me with some of my little projects.  I actually smile when I think of that.  Let the wonder, wondering is good for the soul.  I enjoyed my little outing until my fingers began to tingle from the cold.  

Bushes

All about Snow

Milk Can

Wagon Wheel

Oh, I forgot to mention that my milk can also grabbed my attention.  I know my theme is lanterns, but I had to take a picture of it.  Let me know which is your favorite picture.

Seed Catalogs

Catalogs Arrive

Hope of spring soon to follow

Dad missed tenfold

Dad and I called each other to talk about our plans for the spring planting season every year.  As I looked through  my catalogs, I knew he did the same back home.  We chatted about the changes we wanted to make in the vegetable garden.  He bragged about his adventures planned in the greenhouse.  I listened jealously wishing for my own house, yet knowing I didn't have time for that added work.  This year I will have to have one-sided discussions.  People will drive by my backyard wondering about the middle-aged woman talking to herself as she digs, pulls weeds, waters, and plants.  I don't care, let them wonder how I went crazyJ  I will be asking Dad to pray for my garden.

Pinpricks of Light

My morning started out like any other.  I traipsed into my writing room to do my work before the house woke up to distract me.  Once that was finished, I puttered around the house, cleaning here and there.  My equilibrium tanked.  I felt good, but dizziness assaulted me and my stomach felt like I was on a rollercoaster.  I rested between activities and during activities.  Madelle came into the kitchen at one point looking like I felt.  We canceled out movie outing with the neighbor kids.

Not an hour after we canceled, Jerry received a text.  A couple struggling with mental illness contacted us.  They needed to talk.  In two hours they wanted to stop by the house.  I would have been at the movies.  Coincidence?  I think not.  They say God doesn't make us sick.  I chuckled.  He might not have made Madelle and I feeling sick, but he used our staying home as an opportunity to put in play His plan. 

As the four of us talked, I sat thinking.  Jerry talked about his journey of PTSD, a very depressing subject.  Being that I am working on the theme of "Beacons of Light," I tried to compare my husband to a beacon of light in the area of mental illness.  Now, he is definitely a beacon of light to me, but as they compared stories of their struggle, I didn't perceive light shining through my husband.  I saw his sadness and struggle.  I was reminded of the dark days we mucked our way through as this dear couple has been doing.  I saw all the days ahead of the four of us because mental illness is a constant struggle.  We also talked about the work.  How we brought light back into our family through faith, volunteer time, and other steps to help with a better life.

After the couple left, Jerry busied himself with making homemade pasta.  He finds light in keeping busy when he is faced with his PTSD or finds himself slipping into that world.  I read a text sent to me.  A dear friend was called to his father's side.  The old gentleman is said not to last the rest of the week.  I asked how I can help.  My friend asked me to check in with their young adult children.  We had two of them over for dinner.  Sitting around the dinner table for the second time with guests I hadn't anticipated, I was grateful for the opportunity to help such dear "kids."  Waiting for the inevitable is tough.  But we laughed and reminisced.  We "broke bread" together.

I would love to say that we moved mountains yesterday.  I would love to say that a beacon of light pulsed above our dining room table, bringing happiness, joy, and peace.  Instead, I went to bed with a heavy heart.  The sadness and suffering of our loved ones is hard.  Since my dad passed away four and a half short months ago, these events bring his loss to the forefront.  Though a little down in mood, I envisioned the light in all of our eyes.  Light filtered through the laughter at dinner.  Hope lights the way in tasks we can do to help each other on our journeys.  The little pinpricks of light lead to the beacon.

 Blessings.

Beacons of Light

We all have our beacons of light.  We leave the front porch light on to guide our steps home in the dark.  Street lights help us navigate our city streets.  Our car's head lights illuminate the path in front of us.  In the old days, lanterns lit our way.  People can also be our beacons.  My dad helped guide me for nineteen years in an active day to day lighting of the way.  After that, I turned to him many times to help me along life's path.  2017 will be my first year without him lighting the way. 

Every December, I delight in looking back at all my accomplishments, or lack there of, and organizing new goals for the coming year.  As I looked at my blog and photography, I wondered what my new theme could be.  Beacons kept jumping into my thoughts as did lanterns.  As I contemplated, I looked out my writing window.  In the garden next to the sugar maple is a new lantern I bought to remind me of Dad.  Hum, I should do a lantern project for the year.  Then I remembered in the garage, I have an old lantern that Dad gave me.  I could take that lantern out on little outings and shoot pictures of it throughout the year.  Perfect idea, but I am going to Britain in March.  I am not taking the lantern in my luggage or dragging it all over the island.  It is a heavy duty lantern for goodness sakes.

For the year 2017, I am going to do a series on "beacons of lights."  I will use my dad's lantern for my outings around the state.  I am also going to be watching for beautiful old-fashioned lampposts, specifically in Britain.  I might even shoot pictures of some of my human beacons of light.  I am excited by the project.  I know Dad will be close by my side on this project.  At the end, I want to take my favorite photos and make a calendar for the year 2018.  I will also blog them here, so stay tuned.

Here is my first photo of Dad's lantern under the Christmas tree.  Speaking of beacons, the lights on a Christmas tree are a beacon of our faith for the coming of our Savior.  My dad loved Christmas trees.  All year as he worked in the woods, he watched for the best tree.  Decorating the tree took a good two to four hours.  He taught us girls how to place the lights perfectly and the ornaments just so.  When my cousin moved to Texas, he sent her a Montana tree her first Christmas away.  When I moved to the flatlands of Montana, Dad sent me a tree every year until I moved back to the mountains.  I think he would like these pictures. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Poetry

In my younger years while I was in school, I loved reading poetry.  I dabbled in writing poems when my muse felt the need to express myself in a vibrant fashion.  As work and life took me away from writing, I fell from the art form.  I have missed it.

This year, one of my artist dates that I want to work with more is poetry.  Today I should receive a book to help me read through "The Faerie Queene" by Edmund Spenser, an epic poem.  In college, I fell in love with the story written in middle English and have always wanted to read the entire book, 1,000 pages.  I have picked it up a number of times, but too many years have passed since I studied the old language.  I need some help.

The other project I want to accomplish is writing Haikus.  I will never be a poet, but I like to play.  This poem style will be perfect to attempt once a week.  I will work at posting them.  Last week, I wrote three poems about the loss of my father and the beacon I saw in him.  Here is the one I liked the most.

Looking for the Shore

Light extinguished, beacon cold

Floating aimlessly

Yesterday, when I finished up my writing, I was excited for today's session.  Unfortunately, when I woke up, I didn't want to come to the computer.  When I did, I began avoiding my work.  Here is the poem I wrote.

Snowy covered page

Crisp clean, black smudged words

Dread, fear of failure

But, now I believe that I have put off my work long enough.

A Season of Sadness

Moods have a way of

swinging

Just when you need

them to

hold still-

And there's one word

for

that:

Pray.

An abundant amount of sadness has descended on me this morning.  The feeling has been percolating for the past seven days.  I keep trying to fight the feeling.  I listen to music, work on projects, pray, write, clean, and garden.  Really, life is beautiful and abundant.  What is going on that makes me so sad?

The weather has been an issue.  I don't think we have had this wet of a fall in quite a few years.  We need the moisture but I am a person of the sun.  My favorite colors are the vivid blue in the sky and the bright green of the lawn.  Gray clouds weigh heavy on me when they hover overhead for days on end.  Today, my prayer of a sunny day has been answered. 

This should lift my spirits, but it is only helping a little bit.

Madelle has been struggling.  She is a child who has never liked change.  As young as a toddler, I would tell her the plan of the day, even if it was just to pick her up from daycare.  She needed to know the transitions of the day.  Well, a new school year has reeked a bit of havoc in our world.  She started out the year disliking all of her teachers.  Panic attacks have been happening a lot throughout the weeks.  She has become depressed and is scratching herself until she bleeds.  I have been to the school for numerous meetings to help her advocate for herself.  I can guarantee her middle school counselor has been earning her paycheck!  Madelle has attended all the meetings.  I speak for her sometimes, but she has been talking as well and is learning to advocate a little more.  She now likes all of her teachers, but one.  I think after yesterday the last one is on the road to helping with a trusting relationship with Madelle.  I see some hope on the horizon.  However, I do feel the stress of when the next storm will pass through.

For the last two weeks, I have been feeling very good about the loss in my life.  I have been adjusting to my dad and grandpa being gone.  My last trip to Libby went really well.  But for whatever reason, today as I worked on my novel, I kept thinking of Dad.  I miss him terribly at the moment.  I decided to pay bills, when I ran across a few address labels for Grandpa.  He sent them one year in his Christmas card.  Now, I have sent him gifts every year, but to Mom's address to give to him.  I never used one label to send him a letter or card.  Now, I can't.  I feel like a horrid granddaughter.  I miss him too.  Yes, I visited him almost every time I went to Libby, but it wasn't enough.  As I sit writing this, I realized that I probably haven't mourned Grandpa.  Well, I am today!

The final issue I have is two things that combine, my health and chores.  My new medicine has caused my white blood cell count to go down.  Because of that, I have caught a cold that has lasted a week.  I have also been hurting all over since Sunday.  I look at my dirty house, messy yard, and all the projects unfinished and I am a bit discouraged.  I am not pressured by anyone.  Jerry and Madelle don't mind a messy house, nor do the friends who stop by.  No one minds about the yard either.  The problem is I love doing all of the work, but I just hurt a little too much to push myself.  I am afraid if I do push, I will be stuck in bed.  So, I poke around doing a little bit here and there.  I am not good at pokey!!!

What am I going to do about all of this?  Pray, first and foremost.  I will try to give myself a break.  I will go to my depression list.  1)  I need to be reading.  Hum, I never stop reading.  Not an issueJ  2)  Polish the silver.  I fixed two of the cupboard doors this morning along with the curtain rod.  I will also try to keep doing a little housework.  3)  Garden.  Hum, that is pretty much over for the moment though I am hoping to get out there on Saturday.  I would like the rest of the weeds gone where I can see them from the writing room.  4)  I have been scrapbooking.  I have done about seven pages on a new book I am making for a gift.  5)  Change of Scenery.  Last week I went to the library.  This week I am going to the coffee shop early to get some reading done before I meet friends.  6)  Research and Study.  I am doing this with my books about England.  7) Listen to music.  I am doing this right now as I type.  8) Play with Leo.  He makes meJ  9)  Take an outing.  To be honest, I don't want to.  With about 10 trips north this year, I am done.  Besides, in two weeks I am going to see my sister.  Plus, I think we have two more little trips planned.  I am good with outings!  10)  Photography.  My bird feeder is filled and my camera is ready.  In fact, I have added some fun photos that I worked on as I was writing.  The birds are keeping me so entertained.

The sadness is a part of my world at the moment.  I will keep facing it, analyzing it, and working to alleviate it.  As I close this post, my back is achy.  My coffee cup is empty.  But I have another two hours of work to accomplish.  I always feel better if I can get work done.  I want to finish looping two more scenes so I will be ready to read this evening.  Life really is good.  I have tons of fun projects.  This sadness will pass.  When it does, I can look back at this season anda be content because I didn't let it make me immobile.  I will conquer!!!