My Girl

I haven't written about my daughter since September.  I have thought of different angles I could take a post.  I write the thoughts in my head, but I haven't been able to put them on paper.  I have no idea what I am writing today.  Really, all of my words may be a jumbled mess or they may be bloody brilliant.  I will let the world decide.

Home Life:  On the home front, life is no longer a battleground.  Granted, Madelle drives me crazy with her teenager attitude.  There are days I would love to just run away and have a month all to myself.  She is with me 24/7.  I am not good with the weight of a person being so dependent on me.  I don't like being needed to this depth.  With that said, each morning I say my surrender prayer.  Also, when she turned fifteen, I made a decision.  She may want to stay home a lot, but I don't like feeling imprisoned.  Sure, I go for walks, attend a prayer group, and count money every other money for church.  The rest of my social life I stopped doing so I could be with her during this dark time.  Well, no longer.  She is stable, staying home is her choice.  I am now going on photo shoots and I even took a day trip to meet my sister in December.  I will continue to do this when the roads are dry and the weather warmer.  My life is opening up again.  Oh, and I almost forgot.  Jerry and I finally took a trip together.  We have needed this for quite sometime.  We hired a dear young lady to teen-sit for the long weekend.  Madelle was so nervous and scared.  They ended up having so much fun together.  I couldn't be more proud of both of them.

School Life:  Madelle is considered home bound.  Each morning I call the school to tell them she will not go to school due to her IEP.  The school has been so good to us and understanding.  My heart breaks because of school though.  She isn't getting the education she needs at this point.  At the moment, I take her to school Monday afternoon for English.  In the evenings, Jerry works with her on math.  They also try to do some minutes of PE.  She was attempting science, but it hasn't been working so we will re-strategize this area.  She has tried going on other days, but too many kids are at the school and she literally shrinks into herself.  I can feel and see it, and it is painful.  In the next two weeks, she will have earned half a credit of math.  By the end of the year, that may turn into a full credit and a half credit for English.  That is it.  I am still working at surrendering this to God.

Medical Life:  I am not sure when in the fall Madelle advocated for herself to go off all her meds.  She and the psychiatrist argued back and forth.  Finally, he smiled and agreed with her.  He also apologized for upsetting her, but he needed to see if she were truly ready.  He is so good with her.  First we went off the depression medicine.  That went really well.  Next was the meds to keep the voices away.  This has taken the longest because they are so strong and we have been concerned.  The first two months we had a week each of difficulties.  I had a hard time not saying enough.  Madelle learned from those two months and has been doing much better.  We have about two and a half more months to go and she will be off all meds.  She feels clearer.  We all agree she is happier.  As for therapy, she isn't doing any at the moment.  I am not sure how I feel about it, but I am surrendering it.  We have her therapist on speed dial. 

Social Life:  Most of her days are at home.  She doesn't go to school as I have said earlier except for an hour a week.  She doesn't go to church.  On most Tuesdays, we have friends over for game night which she participates in the fun.  We go to dinner once a week.  She will go to the store with me occasionally.  Her friend talked her into joining Girl Scouts again.  If her friend doesn't go, Madelle doesn't either.  I have to attend all the events as well.  She can't do it without me as her security blanket.  (Part of my going a little crazy.)  This past weekend, she attended a full day event.  She didn't participate in all of the activities.  But she stayed and only had one episode when a leader yelled at her and a couple of other girls.  We are very proud of her.

I have no idea what is in store for the future.  At this point, I don't know if she will graduate from high school.  We may have to work an on-line or GED program for her.  This we will decide after we have tried a couple more programs in town.  I have no idea if she will ever live on her own.  Our garage may turn into an apartment.  Her brother has offered for her to move in with him if he has his own place when she is eighteen.  There are options.  Of course, I haven't given up hope for my girl.  In a few years, she may go on to live a "normal" life.  If not, we will learn the definition of a new "normal."  God will help us find our way.