Where I Belong

            No matter what happens in my life, I must admit that my life is wonderful.  This is not to say that I haven’t had my struggles.  We all have those.  Yet, I have always seen the work of God in my life.  Right now, I am especially in a good place so my moodiness the last couple of weeks has stopped me in my tracks.  The time of year is lent and spring is coming.  My attitude should reflect the beauty of life.  It hasn’t.  I looked back to last year.  My family took a cruise through the Mexican Riviera.  When we came home, I was moody.  What is up with this?

            I have decided I don’t like March.  I want to, but I don’t.  Sorry all you wonderful people who were born or married in March and sorry Saint Patrick, but I just don’t like March.  I believe I read somewhere that vitamin D can affect my autoimmune diseases.  Depression can also be an issue when a person is deficient in this vitamin.  Yes, I do take the pill throughout the year and take heavy doses of it during the winter months, but by March I need real sunlight consistently.  March just doesn’t have it where I live.  I am ready to be outside 24/7 but the weather just isn’t at that point.  Yesterday it was.  I went out for about thirty minutes in between my busy schedule.  Today I can feel the real sun vitamin D pulsing through my veins.  I feel good.  Bring on more sun!!!

            I am not sure how to combat this for next year.  I did just write a note in my yearly calendar for next December to remember to try sun tanning for February and March.  Maybe this will help my spirit to survive March more gracefully instead of how I am now: basically I feel all people are ignoring me or just putting up with me because they have to.  I really get into a woe is me attitude.  It is pretty ugly and miserable.  My poor husband deserves a medal for putting up with me!

During my moodiness, a song caught my attention while driving my kids all over the valley.  I have declared it my theme song for the next little while.  (If I haven’t mentioned before, I believe my life has a sound tract.)  The song is “Where I Belong” by Building 429.  One specific line gives me shivers.  “This is not where I belong”.  Even with my beautiful life, I am not where I belong.  People hurt me.  “Sometimes it feels like I’m watching from the outside.”  My body aches.  “So when the walls come falling down on me, And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea.”  There is a better place where I belong.  Heaven.  I don’t belong on Earth: I belong in Heaven.

Again, I want to state.  I have a beautiful life.  My husband and kids are the world to me.  I love planet Earth with the stunning sunrises, animals, landscapes, plants, trees, rivers, lakes, oceans, and sunsets.  I don’t want to miss a minute of all the gifts God gives us here.  Yet, this is not my home.  People are mean.  Death happens.  Diseases consume.  Tragedy strikes.  Even still, I will make this place as much home as possible, but someday I will meet my father in heaven and return to my true home where I belong.

I went out to YouTube to listen to the song.  At the end, this verse showed on the screen.  “He will wipe every tear from their (my) eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, [for] the old order (life on Earth) has passed away.”  Revelation 21:4

Blessing to you all.

Church Attendance

                Over the last weekend, a friend came over for beer and conversation.  He is my husband’s closest friend whom I also enjoy having around.  We chatted about life in general for awhile.  The taboo topic of the Bible started being discussed with the conversation going on for hours.  Our friend grew up a pretty strict Catholic, but in his adult years, he hasn’t gone to church of any sort though he reads his Bible probably more consistently than I do.

                During the discussion, we talked about creation, reconciliation, Eucharist, and church attendance.  My emotions were all over the charts.  They were the lowest when we talked about church attendance.  This topic strikes such a chord in me.  I have mentioned it before, but from the time I was in about first grade, I went to church all by myself with the church school bus bringing me too and from Sunday School and Church.  The bus ride, Sunday School, and when they had Children’s Church were the best.  I loved going to learn more about Jesus; plus, I felt His presence especially strong at the church.  Going to regular church hurt.  I watched my friends join their mom’s or their mom and dad.  They went to church as family.  My heart broke.

                My mom refused to go to church without my dad and my dad said he wouldn’t go to church and sit by all those hypocrites.  My friend said he wouldn’t go to church and sit by all the gossips.  During this part of the conversation, I became very quiet letting him and my husband continue the discussion.  I feel so defeated.  They are most definitely right about the gossips and hypocrites.  I am one of them.  All my friends are also a part of this group.  We are all this way.  We are imperfect and sinful.  I work really hard at not gossiping.  Now that I can regulate who I am around, I don’t get as sucked into it as I did in the working world.  Water cooler gossip is virtually impossible for me.  I have to pray about this sin a LOT!  Yet, I can’t skip Mass because I am unworthy.  This is the very reason I need to go more.

                I believe I have used every argument I have ever heard on my dad to get him to attend church.  He went a handful of times when I was in high school.  About six years ago, he attended a weekend retreat with the Catholic Church.  I hoped.  I prayed.  I do know he communes with God in his own way specifically when out and about in his garden, on the lake, or in the woods.  My friend communes with God when he reads his Bible.  But, what about community?  To me this is very important.

                I sit by hypocrites every Sunday at Mass and they sit by me, a fellow hypocrite.  Together we lift our voices in praise to God through songs, greetings, and prayer.  We cheer each other through another week of living in a sin-filled world.  We cry together in our struggles of suffering.  Without my church family, my husband’s deployment would have been one hundred times harder.  I wouldn’t have been prayed for as much through my illness.  I need these imperfect people in my life to help me in my own imperfection.

                The real stickler for me comes in the form of communion.  Jesus said to the disciples to take this bread and take this cup in memory of me (Jesus).  In the scene of the last supper, Jesus finished setting up community.  My heart aches for those who don’t know the joy of Eucharist (communion).  No, I don’t know where in the Bible it says that we “HAVE” to attend church.  To tell the truth, I hope it isn’t a deal breaker of getting into heaven because I want my dad, friend, and others I love to enter heaven.  Deep in my heart though, I know it is a deal breaker for me.  I will not get to heaven unless I attend church.  Besides, why wouldn’t I go?  I feel God’s presence when I attend. 

                Blessing to you all.

Nurture, Protect, Love

                On my writing journey through life, my favorite moments take place when something triggers the muse giving me ideas which come alive in my soul.  I love to write numerous genres, anything from historical, fantasy, autobiographical, to faith.  Since I am writing this blog, I definitely look for sparks to share with my readers.  This morning as I read through a Bible study I am doing solo, the words kept leaping out at me.  I put asterisks by the items I want to work on later in my writing.  Suddenly, a passage hit my muse full force.  I would like to share the thoughts.

                “And a relationship doesn’t just happen.  It has to be nurtured, protected, and loved,” page 73, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver.  This took my breath away.  As I have mentioned before, I struggle with relationships.  I expect those I am in a relationship to live up to these words just as I must live up to them as well, whether the relationship is between me and God, my husband, a parent, a child, a sibling, or a friend.  We fail in these relationships when we overlook one of the points.

                Nurturing can be the hardest of all three because it takes a great amount of sacrifice.  In the first years of my marriage, we struggled with some of the aspects of nurturing each other.  My interest in science fiction and fantasy didn’t really exist.  My husband on the other side read all the books and watched all the movies.  I started trying these venues of entertainment to give us a common idea to talk about.  Now, I not only read and watch fantasy, I also write fantasy.  We go to many science fiction movies though I still struggle reading the genre.  Now for his part, he knew practically nothing about Shakespeare when we met.  Except for small high school plays, he also hadn’t been to the theater.  To nurture our relationship, my husband started taking me to plays and watching the old classic dramas.  He has even read classics like The Count of Monte Cristo.  We have learned to nurture our relationship by sharing our interests.  If one of us hadn’t taken an interest, our relationship would be one sided and either have ended by now or be very miserable. 

                Our relationships with others and God should be handled the same way.  I know many people who don’t attend church or other religious functions.  This is something God asks us to do.  I need to attend church because that is His interest.  Granted, I love going to church, but sometimes I would like to sleep in on a Sunday, not have to go out in the freezing cold, or play in my garden instead.  But I need to nurture my relationship with God on His turf.  Of course, I expect God to do the same for me.  When I go for a drive or walk out in nature, I want God with me.  He is awesome at pointing out the beauty of the land to me.  He also throws in wild life.  This last year He sent me osprey and a kerron to delight in watching.  Of course, He helps me with my writing and finding things to write about.  He nurtures my interests.  Nothing is worse than being the only one nurturing in a relationship.  We nurture each other.

                Our loved ones need protected as do we.  Protection comes in many forms.  The one that comes to the forefront of my thoughts is speech.  All people, me included, talk badly about other people.  When I am frustrated about my husband, I will talk about my irritation about him to a friend.  We get annoyed with those we are in relationship with.  That is a fact of life.  However, I am wrong to say bad things about him especially if I don’t include all the good things about him.  Yes, my husband is horrible at cleaning house, but he is an awesome husband, father, and provider.  And watch out if anyone criticizes him in front of me.  I will protect my husband from all who try to gossip and say bad things about him.

                The same goes with God.  I need to talk up all the good God does in my life and world.  Hopefully, He is talking well of me as well in heaven.  I also need to defend God.  When people talk bad about Him or our relationship, I need to defend both just like I would if someone misspoke about my father, husband, or other loved one.

                Part of me wants to say it is easy to love those we are in relationship with us.  But really it is only easy to say we love them.  I also believe it is easy to feel the love of the person.  Even those I am not in a good relationship with, I love like crazy.  But love is more than just the speaking and feeling, it is also action.  Our love needs to go beyond ourselves to nurture and protect.  Without the actions, the love will not help the relationship grow or mature.  Instead it will stagnate and become a burden.  If I only went to church for God, I would feel let down by Him or the reverse if I only met God on my walks.  God and I both need to work on the relationship beyond our love for one another.

                Years ago I had a family member or two complain about having nothing in common with my young sons.  The comment irritated the living daylights out of me.  Really?  And I am interested in Pokémon cards?  Nope.  But I sat through quite a few episodes of the television show, listened to the nonstop chatter about the little critters, and even picked out a favorite of my own.  Why?  I wanted a relationship with my kids.  A while back a woman gossiped to me about my son and his supposed girlfriend.  This was news to me.  I didn’t know he had a girlfriend nor at the age of 13 or 14 did I believe he should have a girlfriend.  I called him right then and there while I ate dinner with her.  He chuckled and said the girls were saying it and he just wasn’t going to argue with them.  I informed the woman it was only gossip.  Yes, I love my children, husband, God, family, and friends and they love me.  But to make the relationship more, all of us have to also nurture and protect.

                Blessing to you all.

My Favorite Time of the Year - Lent

                Today and tomorrow are my favorite days.  In fact, for the next 40 plus days, I am immersed in my favorite time of the year.  I always smile at the memories of my childhood of feeling left out during the late winter and early spring when my Catholic friends experienced their faith with acts of sacrifice.  I envied Mary B. and all her siblings as they gave up pop, gum, or chocolate as did their mother.  I found the family display of their faith beautiful and that it represented their respect for all that Jesus did for Christians during his last days on Earth. 

                Fat Tuesday is today.  This is the time many people treat themselves to the items that they will give up until Easter.  Many years, I eat chocolate on this day because I always give it up for Lent.  Being  that I have given up chocolate, flavored lattes, carbohydrates, and Diet Pepsi in September and am still staying away from them, this morning I woke up realizing I wouldn’t participate in my normal Fat Tuesday ritual.  Yet, this hasn’t quenched the excitement I feel for tomorrow.  I am almost giddy with anticipation.  Of course, I did decide I would splurge and have a plain latte.  I am drinking it now as I write.  Yes, it is good!

                Ash Wednesday is tomorrow, the beginning of Lent.  I will fast from meat the entire day.  In the evening, I will join a ton of other Catholics and celebrate Mass resulting in receiving ashes on my forehead.  Also, I will start my Lenten projects.

                Now that I am older with a better understanding of Lent, I don’t just give up things.  I also pray, fast, give to charity, and study more.  I work on my relationship with my best friend who was born in a manger.  I do all of this all year long, but I am so much more focused.  I compare it with the relationship that I am developing with my son now that he is not living at home anymore.  During the year, I phone, text, e-mail, and facebook him.  We enjoy our time together this way, but there is a distance.  This past weekend, I went to his college town.  We went out to dinner one night, shopped, church the next day, and lunch.  Being together, our relationship could be intimate.  I could see his smile, give him a hug, and hold his hand during the Our Father at church.  During this weekend, I experience a closer relationship with him.

                All year long, I pray, study, and do works of charity.  God and I are enjoying each other’s company just like I do with my son.  Once Lent begins, the time we spend together becomes more intense.  I almost feel the vale between us being lifted as least an inch or two.  Of course, I can feel this time throughout the year, but there is something more consistent and beautiful about my time with God during Lent like physically being with my son, nothing compares.

                Last night, my husband and I went to our monthly meeting at the Cathedral for those who have attended a Cursillo weekend in the past.  We watched a DVD that I don’t remember the name of but it talked about the song of God.  After it played, we discussed the topic.  Near the end, Anne mentioned our opportunity to pray more during Lent, to become more in tune to the song.  I think someone else talked about what they are doing for Lent.  Though it can seem like bragging, I believe sharing our Lenten journey can help others along their journey.  My biggest project this year will be to study and pray about the seven sorrows of Mary the mother of Jesus.  I will also do the normal fasting, attend Stations of the Cross, and crochet.  I usually make blankets for the babies of unwed mothers.  This year I am working on a blanket for Family Promise.  We will also buy baby items for our Lent to Life project at church.

                I didn’t always do this much during my Lenten journeys when I first started them.  I also wasn’t Catholic when I began to participate in Lent.  I shared my childhood woes of not being able to participate in Lent to my Catholic boyfriend (now husband).  He chuckled and said I didn’t have to be Catholic to travel down the Lenten path.  So, my first experience of Lent happened when I wasn’t Catholic.  I want to challenge all my readers to think about doing a project starting tomorrow.  There are many areas that you can work in to do this: pray an Our Father every day, read a chapter in the Bible daily, or say a prayer of thanksgiving for all the good things that took place during the day.  Tomorrow start working a little harder for your relationship with our creator, become more in tune.

                Blessing to you all.

Why We Suffer Part 3

                “Why will people know how to exercise free will in heaven if they can’t know how to exercise it on earth?” page 12-13 in God’s Problem.  The other day driving in the pickup this question rattled around in my head.  So many amazing thoughts started flowing.  My driving became distracted.  I turned down a main road headed to my house instead of going straight to pick up the groceries on my list.  I refocused on the task at hand, wandered through a neighborhood, found my way back to the correct street, headed to the store, and lost all my wonderful ideas for this post.  Hum, maybe next time I will pull over to jot down my thoughts.  Of course this may result in never getting to my destinations.  Now I look at the question and wonder where to begin.  At the beginning, the best place to start when a bit lost.

                In the beginning, God created a paradise on Earth in the Garden of Eden.  The notes in my Bible state, “Eden is near the head of the Persian Gulf, where the Tigris and the Euphrates join with two other streams to form a single river.”  In my travels in our local area, Hawaii, Mexico, the United States, and the Caribbean, I can’t help but think Eden covered the entire planet.  Man has turned many areas of our world ugly, but many areas remain pristine.  Humans have also made many gorgeous things to enhance God’s creation.  In the mornings, I will go out to start my vehicle only to be greeted by God’s masterpiece in the sky as the sun begins to rise.  I can’t imagine Adam and Eve having it much better in Eden when it comes to the physical beauty of the land around them.  I really believe we still live in Eden. 

Our freewill got us into trouble in Eden.  It continues to get us into trouble here on Earth.  Before the fall, Adam and Eve’s world allowed them to talk directly to God, walk in the garden with Him, and enjoy His visual presence.  He gave them freedom to explore the beauty made just for them.  They played with all the animals.  The grace of Himself God gave them filled them abundantly, but because they weren’t yet in heaven, they weren’t filled one hundred percent.  They lived in harmony with the world.  When they chose to take a bite of the forbidden fruit a vale went up between them and God.  This invisible barrier caused them to lose grace with God.  The harmony disappeared with God, animals, and the environment.  This one act of freewill caused suffering to enter the world causing our freewill to become diseased. 

Once we reach heaven, the grace of God we receive will be even more then what Adam and Eve contained in Eden before the vale descended.  This grace will heal our freewill.  The harmony we obtain with God and all of creation will open our sight to a new and glorious understanding that frankly we lack or even have a slight comprehension of in this existence.  To think, in heaven, I will be able to have my thoughts about a writing topic and still be able to drive to the store without turning the wrong direction.  Actually, I will never be distracted from God again which will eliminate my suffering.  Our freewill will sink up with God.  Until that time, I plan to look on our planet as paradise, talk and walk with God keeping my freewill as healthy as possible. 

Blessing to you all.

Quote of the Week

While reading about the apparitions in Kibeho, I really liked what Mary said to the visionary Anathalie.  “Mary had told the visionary she’d suffer much in her life, but her suffering was meant as a way to remind us to pray - in despair we often call on God, but we forget to follow His ways or keep praying when our suffering has ended and we’re happy again” Location 913. 

Thoughout my life, the formula has been good times = little prayer or bad times = much prayer.  I used to need suffering or trials in my life to pay attention to God.  Yes I did pray during the good times, but it was only when I had time: when I went to church or a retreat of some kind.  Granted, I did consistently go to church and went to retreats as often as possible.  Yet, my daily prayer would fall by the wayside much of the time. 

I am trying to think of the first time I truly suffered more than money issues or fighting with someone.  In BASIC training, I remember being so miserable.  I left my new husband for four months only to be submerged in a huge group of women from all over the country with different ideas than mine.  I struggled and suffered.  Every night, I prayed to God to give me the strength to make it another day.  I also prayed during the day to get through each new obstacle.  Once I arrived back home, my suffering ended as did my daily prayer.  This has been my way all my life.

I am happy to say that I am not quite so bad anymore.  For the past year and a half, I have tried to include a couple of daily talks with God.  In the morning, I thank Him if I can get onto our heavily used road in the morning without worrying I cut someone off.  I offer up the housework for His glory.  Each night, I thank him for all the good things that happened throughout the day.  Lately, I pray in the morning asking for guidance in one of my relationships.  My goal is to never again to slack in my prayer life.  I really don’t want suffering to remind me to pray.  Yes, I am going to suffer more in my life, but I hope to always have a close walk with Jesus every day, not just on the bad days.

Blessings to you all.

A God Fearing Man

I have a question, what does it mean to be a God fearing man?
I ask this because it doesn’t make since to me since God loves me and protects me, so it doesn’t feel right to fear him. That’s not to say that I do not respect his power, because I know he is able to squish me like a bug if he wanted to.

                                My oldest son asked me this question via a message on facebook.  At first, the question took my breath away.  How in the world do I answer this?  My first thoughts flew to the Old Testament when God seemed to be angry a lot sending plagues and destruction.  Yet, I also thought of being in awe of God and how His power is so great that it would be scary to meet up with it face to face.  I mean, how many of us would freak out if a burning bush started to speak to us.  I know I don’t think I would handle the bush with much grace.

                        To start my research, I went to the dictionary because I really believed the key was in the definition of fear.  First I looked up “God fearing man” and found in the Free Dictionary by Farlex “pious; devout.  Deeply religious.”  Well, nothing there states anything about being scared.  Next I looked up “fear” in Dictionary.com’s.  The fourth definition states “reverential awe, especially toward God: the fear of God.  Synonyms: awe, respect, reverence, veneration.”  So the simple answer is a God fearing man equals a piously devout man with awe, respect, reverence and veneration for his God.  Well, that was easy, but I wanted to continue my research through the Bible.

In the Bible, many references to fearing God give the text instruction how to fear God.  Proverbs 1:7 states, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; wisdom and instruction fools despise.”  Well, here we go.  We need to grow in our knowledge and wisdom of God through instruction.  We need to read, go to church, and retreats.  I definitely don’t want to be a fool.  I also liked the note, “Fear of the Lord; reverential fear and respect for God on account of his sovereignty, goodness and justice toward men.  This is the foundation of religion.”  We are to build our house on this rock, not the sand of the fool.

Continuing with the theme, Deuteronomy 31:12  “Assemble the people-men, women and children, as well as the aliens who live in your communities-that they may hear it and learn it, and so fear the Lord, your God, and carefully observe all the words of this law.”  “It” refers to the law given to Moses.  The law is their faith, their beliefs.  We need to hear and learn our faith whether the faith comes from the Catholic church, Lutheran church, any church you attend.  By becoming knowledgeable in the teaching of our churches we will be stronger in our devotion to God.

So many people pay lip service to their faith.  I find myself falling at times from the material items of our world.  Instead I need to listen to this verse.  “Now, therefore, fear the Lord and serve him completely and sincerely.  Cast out the gods your fathers served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord” Joshua 24:14.  The gods talked about in this passage are gods of old.  The other gods of today are power, riches, rock or movie stars, drugs, alcohol, or mansions.  Anytime we put something or someone before God we create a god.  Instead fear the Lord.

As expected, I found many verses about fear.  I didn’t expect Mary, the mother of Jesus, to have talked about fearing God.  In the Canticle of Mary, Luke 1:46-55, she speaks of God to Elizabeth.  “His mercy is from age to age to those who fear him” Luke 1:50.  Our price for fearing God is mercy.  This doesn’t mean we won’t have our share of suffering, but His Mercy comes to us through His son Jesus. 

A little dose of fear is good for us.  I fear icy roads and fire.  My respect for both causes me to proceed with care to keep me and my loved ones safe from harm.  I also avoid icy roads if I am able.  “Moses answered the people, ‘Do not be afraid, for God has come to you only to test you and put his fear upon you, lest you should not sin’” Exodus 20:20.  We are not to “fear” God or His tests, but we are to “fear” sinning.  God does this to keep us safe.  Sin leads to all sorts of bad outcomes and He doesn’t want that for his children.  I need to avoid sin more then I avoid icy roads.

I have always thought of God as my father.  My own father has characteristics like God as he should since he is made in the image of God.  As a child, I feared my dad.  Many of you know my dad and know he is a big old teddy bear; however, I still feared him because I sat in awe and respect of him.  I didn’t want to get into trouble because I feared the outcome, the disappointment.  I feel the same about my Lord.  I don’t want to sin because I fear the consequences of the sin and God’s disappointment in that act of rebellion.  God and my dad love me more then I could ever understand.  Yet, I will always “fear” them.

Blessings to you all.