Independency or Healthy Dependency

Two weeks ago, a friend sent me information and an invitation about a class for family members living with the affects of mental illness in a loved one.  I have been wanting to go to this class for the last three years.  I was very excited that it was at a time I could attend.  I will have to miss one class, but the administer understood.  I signed up.  I am also thankful to be able to attend with a friend.

The first week the concept that moved me was discussing what we wanted for our family member.  The options were independency and/or healthy dependency.  At the beginning of our involvement with Madelle's mental illness, I wanted independency.  I couldn't even fathom a concept like healthy dependency.  I have always wanted that for my children.  In fact, I have issues with being depended on by people.

Growing up, I was sheltered.  I was not always allowed to spread my wings and fly.  I was pulled to stay close to home.  Mental illness had affected family members causing some dysfunction.  As I grew older and especially when I hit the teenage years, I developed a fierce desire to do things on my own.  If someone told me I couldn't do something, I would work doubly hard to prove them wrong.  Of course, when I graduated from high school, I picked the furthest college I could afford.  I went into the military.  I broke the bonds of dependency.  So, the thought of one of my children needing to be with me twenty-four/seven at an older age caused a little conflict within me.

As time went on, I began to realize that independency for my beautiful girl might not be a possibility.  One parish friend told me her story with her daughter.  Madelle's counselor also guided me in a possible reality of some form of dependency.  This past year, I have looked at the cold hard facts.  The social anxiety my daughter struggles through may be more then she can handle to launch into the world.  I have strategized potential options for ten years from now incase this becomes a reality.  Thus, as each person in the group spoke, I realized that healthy dependency is a viable option.  In fact, we are living that currently. 

Instead of fighting the social anxiety, Madelle takes the lead.  We no longer fight for her to go to church.  We pray as a family.  My husband and I go to Mass once a week.  Going without her is hard, but we are adjusting.  Thanks to a good friend, she is involved in Girl Scouts.  I am her security blanket.  Instead of a canine companion, she has me.  I go to all the events.  Last week, I needed a break, so Jerry took over.  When she goes to school on Monday afternoons, I go along and do some writing while she works with her teacher.  Right now, she is completely dependent on me.  And that is okay.  I am learning how to not feel so claustrophobic.

When the question came to me, do I want independency or healthy dependency for my family member, I had a ready response.  She is too young to know.  Her brain has more developing to do.  She doesn't have a permanent diagnosis yet.  We will continue to work towards independency.  At the age of 25 or 26, we will have her reevaluated.  At that point, we will see.  I do know that I sleep better at night with a plan for the future.  We will prevail in either scenario or a combination of both.