A Long Week

           In my blog, I try to be positive.  I try to show the struggle of mental illness in our world.  I try not to be gloomy and depressing.  Hell, I try not to be depressed.  However, sometimes the depression hits me.  I work through it by reading books about the different situations, praying, asking for prayers, finding things to be thankful for, resting, and conquering my day.  Here is what I wrote last week.

Sitting here at my desk, I look out over my snow covered yard off to a section of the Scratchgravel Mountains.  My neighbors yard has patches of yellow grass showing where the snow is melting.  In a few days, I suspect sections of this north section of my yard will show as signs of spring as well.  The clouds in the sky are blowing to the east revealing a light blue sky.  Today will be a good day to walk in town.  Our roads here in the valley are still a little treacherous.

My mood has been faltering.  I felt the world tip last week due to an episode in my life.  I started reading a book about the situation.  Also, as I stated in my last blog, I am taking a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) class.  I am looking for knowledge, clues, helpful hints....  I am not learning much because I am pretty well read in the area of depression, PTSD, and other illnesses and relationship difficulties in my quest to conquer my situations.  I find myself becoming extremely sad and defeated.

My daughter is having a tough week.  I am not helping.  I check on her too often in her thoughts.  In reality, I leave her alone for hours on end.  When I do check on her, I try to make her smile which only annoys the crap out of her.  I am frustrated.  On one hand, I know she has to help herself and she is working on it.  I have no patience.  This morning she pointed out all my flaws.  I am too cheerful.  I check on her too much.  I made faces that make her feel bad.  There is no right answer.  I am a little tired.

One of the things they say over and over at the class is that caregivers need to take care of themselves.  Really?  How?  Sure, I go for walks.  I go on outings.  The problem is during times like this I can't turn off my brain with all the thoughts of how to fix my family.

After hearing all the stories last night at the class I am taking, my immediate family has a really good life.  Madelle rarely has the huge blow up episodes.  When she does, they are much shorter then they used to be.  She is no longer dealing with suicidal ideology.  She hasn't self harmed in nine months.  Life really is good.

The depression I felt has passed.  My self esteem is centered once again.  A couple of situations have stabilized for the moment.  Madelle's minor episode is over.  Mornings are still a bear, but the afternoons are filled with smiles, laughter, and interacting well as a family.  The sunny days are helping.  All the men at my husband's Bible Study group have lifted me up in prayer and I feel it.  I will continue to deal with the mental illness that swirls around my life.  I will be depressed by it at times.  But I will rise above.  I will find joy in life.

The Moss Mansion

During the times I lived in Billings, I never visited the Moss Mansion.  I drove by it all the time but never took the time to take a tour.  About five years ago when visiting my father-in-law, I finally visited.  I enjoyed the tour.  I am not sure if they have tours in the winter.  This time, I just walked around the grounds.  I will have to say, the Conrad Mansion in Kalispell is still my favorite.

Independency or Healthy Dependency

Two weeks ago, a friend sent me information and an invitation about a class for family members living with the affects of mental illness in a loved one.  I have been wanting to go to this class for the last three years.  I was very excited that it was at a time I could attend.  I will have to miss one class, but the administer understood.  I signed up.  I am also thankful to be able to attend with a friend.

The first week the concept that moved me was discussing what we wanted for our family member.  The options were independency and/or healthy dependency.  At the beginning of our involvement with Madelle's mental illness, I wanted independency.  I couldn't even fathom a concept like healthy dependency.  I have always wanted that for my children.  In fact, I have issues with being depended on by people.

Growing up, I was sheltered.  I was not always allowed to spread my wings and fly.  I was pulled to stay close to home.  Mental illness had affected family members causing some dysfunction.  As I grew older and especially when I hit the teenage years, I developed a fierce desire to do things on my own.  If someone told me I couldn't do something, I would work doubly hard to prove them wrong.  Of course, when I graduated from high school, I picked the furthest college I could afford.  I went into the military.  I broke the bonds of dependency.  So, the thought of one of my children needing to be with me twenty-four/seven at an older age caused a little conflict within me.

As time went on, I began to realize that independency for my beautiful girl might not be a possibility.  One parish friend told me her story with her daughter.  Madelle's counselor also guided me in a possible reality of some form of dependency.  This past year, I have looked at the cold hard facts.  The social anxiety my daughter struggles through may be more then she can handle to launch into the world.  I have strategized potential options for ten years from now incase this becomes a reality.  Thus, as each person in the group spoke, I realized that healthy dependency is a viable option.  In fact, we are living that currently. 

Instead of fighting the social anxiety, Madelle takes the lead.  We no longer fight for her to go to church.  We pray as a family.  My husband and I go to Mass once a week.  Going without her is hard, but we are adjusting.  Thanks to a good friend, she is involved in Girl Scouts.  I am her security blanket.  Instead of a canine companion, she has me.  I go to all the events.  Last week, I needed a break, so Jerry took over.  When she goes to school on Monday afternoons, I go along and do some writing while she works with her teacher.  Right now, she is completely dependent on me.  And that is okay.  I am learning how to not feel so claustrophobic.

When the question came to me, do I want independency or healthy dependency for my family member, I had a ready response.  She is too young to know.  Her brain has more developing to do.  She doesn't have a permanent diagnosis yet.  We will continue to work towards independency.  At the age of 25 or 26, we will have her reevaluated.  At that point, we will see.  I do know that I sleep better at night with a plan for the future.  We will prevail in either scenario or a combination of both.

Billing's Doors

I have heard people talk about how they don't like Billings, Montana.  This always surprises me.  The little city has always been good to me.  The first time I traveled there was for a college visit.  We stayed in a hotel halfway up the Rims (rimrocks).  My mom and I watched a storm roll in over the flatlands.  The site was absolutely stunning. 

When we drove in from the west this last trip, I realized that driving by refineries isn't the best introduction to the area.  However, when I see the "ugliness", I see jobs for the community.  I see progress.  I see a product that most all Montanans use on a daily basis.  I see beauty.

I also see the majestic rimrocks.  I see the way the city has revitalized the downtown area.  I see the beautiful doors in the old district.

Sure, Billings is a modern city compared to others in Montana.  She doesn't have a ton of old buildings.  She doesn't have majestic mountains.  However, she has her own charm.  I will be going back a couple more times this year.  Shoot, I will be going there the rest of my life.  Maybe I will even convince a few people that Billings isn't a bad place at all.