Current Status

Here I sit in the very room I described yesterday.  The joy I felt has plummeted into the depths of stress.  Like I said on facebook, my emotions are all over the chart.  This week has been a trial due to the beginning of school and Madelle having a number of panic attacks.  I actually read the first scene of my novel.  I have thoughts on the next scene.  I might try to write it later today or next week.  In the mean time, here are my non-fiction words about the current developments of living with mental illness.

Saturday we won two battles.  I came home from a mini-retreat and she actually wanted to go shopping for school supplies.  Yay!!!  The girl hates shopping, which in all fairness to her, she gets it from me.  We went to Kmart because no one shops at Kmart.  I thought we did really well though I did annoy her with grabbing a couple of pair of jeans.  She hates clothes.  But, we made with no arguments, shakey hands, or irruptions.  After that, she also agreed to attend Mass.  Yes, going to church has been difficult.  The time before, she had a panic attack.  She didn't this time. 

Monday, we lost the battle.  We went to the school in the morning to go through her classes.  She wanted to walk her schedule.  Her stress mounted as we climbed stairs and wandered through hallways.  She spoke harshly to me about doubting her.  After the last class we found, she bolted out the closest door and we walked around the school to get to the car.  My nice daughter turned into the angry daughter.  I suggested going home, but she was trying and said we could still go to Home Depot, though she stayed in the car.  Still trying, she suggested going to lunch.  We pulled into the parking lot of Applebee's and the belligerent attitude kept creeping out.  We went home instead.  Later she came out of her room to apologize.  Her attack was so bad she scratched her arm until the first layer of skin came off. 

Yesterday, I was anxious the entire day.  The puppy and I met Madelle at the bus stop.  She was smiling and chatting to the neighbor girl.  We discussed her day and everything sounded good, minus her being shushed by a girl and having to put up with a boy she doesn't like.  I thought we had another win.  She saw her therapist at five and still she was good.  I asked if I should skip a meeting.  She assured me she was good.  When I came home, she was stressing.  She didn't want to go to school.  The negativity in the house poured down on us.  I got in my pajamas and we laid down in the living room.  The puppy snuggled with her.  I handed her a Rosary, though she didn't want it.  Together we prayed a decade and I finished on my own.  She finally went to bed.

This morning I worried.  How was I going to get her to school?  It felt just like the end of the year when she refused to go back the last couple of days.  I prayed.  I was/am angry.  We seem to be doing everything right.  Why are we still struggling?  When I woke her up, it took longer than usual.  Twice she mentioned not wanting to go to school.  I ignored the comments.  She was a bit snarky about breakfast, but when we walked to the bus stop, she acted normal.  She got on the bus. 

I am left drained.  I am uncertain.  I am stressed.  I don't know how much longer I can carry on with the mess.  A kind friend said I was the perfect Mom for Madelle.  I am trying, but it isn't with a gracious heart.  I would love to run away.  I want to explode and shake some sense into Madelle.  Get over it already.  With these thoughts, I don't think I am a good mom.  Hopefully, I will be good enough.